It had been almost a month since I had last seen Q, multiple texts had been recieved from him, but none of which I had replied to. It's not that I had any animosity towards the guy at all, I just couldn't find the right words to say to him. I was a little hurt by what happened in Chicago, but I could never voice those feelings in fear that he would think that I had caught feelings for him and wanted more than what we had. Although he did the things that a boyfriend would do, I highly believed that a relationship would be the last thing that he would want. He'd been in these situations before, so he knew what to do, what to say and how to act. I however, did not. I thought those few nights were specifically about him and I, not him, myself and another girl. His reason for me to go there in the first place was because he had nothing to do and didn't know anyone there, so did he invite this girl there too with the exact same vendetta? Planning to divide time between the both of us? The thought of him being with her made me feel ill, yet that was all that I could think about.
I arrived at Kara's apartment, hoping that she would be the one to let me vent my frustration out onto.
"Come in!" her voice yelled from the other side of the door as I knocked. Walking in I got a concerned look. "Well don't you look like a little ray of sunshine." She said.
"That obvious?" I asked.
"Mhmm, so, tell me, what's with the face?"
"I'm just having a hard time with understanding how the male brain works" I sighed.
"Q still not leaving you alone?"
Kara was up to date with the situation and the daily texts from him, but she wasn't aware of the thoughts that were actually crossing my mind. Mostly because I didn't understand them myself.
"Nope."
"So what makes today any different then the texts he sends every other day?" She asked curiously.
"I don't know.." I replied hesitantly. "I just.."
"Just what?"
"I don't know. This is where I'm frustrated. Like, what am I supposed to say here?" I put my face in my palms.
"Well it's been weeks, you've not replied once, no?"
"Not once"
"And he's still trying to contact you, so either you've got a magical pussy or he's totally into you."
"He fucked another girl the same night after being with me, so on terms of him being into me - it's definitely not that"
"Hmm, you always bring up this "other girl"" she said, air quoting the last part.
"Why wouldn't I? There was no reason for there to even be another girl" I retorted.
"You're so jealous, wow. That's cute" she leaned back in her chair smiling.
"I am not jealous, I'm just annoyed."
"Hun, you're jealous. Trust me."
I had never even considered if my frustration brewed from jealousy. Sure, I had always felt angry whenever I thought about him with her, but I thought it was because I felt humiliated to have fallen for his act.
"From what you've told me about Chicago, he seems into you. You even said that he didn't leave your side once"
"But then we he did he was straight onto another gi.."
"Jess." Kara interrupted. "Forget about the other girl. You're the one that he's been texting for a month straight when you've done nothing but ignore the guy."
"But how do I know that he hasn't been doing the same to her?"
"My bets are he isn't. But you're never gonna know the deal unless you at least hear the guy out."
I guess she had a point, I had to stop letting these thoughts block a different and potentially less frustrating outcome. Kara was always the blunt force that I needed to understand things.
"So what do I do now, what do I say to him exactly?" I asked her, hoping her friendly wisdom would continue.
"You just be honest. Ask him the questions that you've been asking yourself."
"And what if he gets weirded out?"
"Chances are he'll be glad that you're just talking to him, and so what if he does? He's 3,000 miles away, it's not like you'd have to face him every day. Plus you'd have peace of mind either way"
"I'll think about it.."
--
Sprawled across my bed at home, I opened the texts from Q and began to scroll through them all. I sighed, wondering whether I should continue to avoid this situation altogether, or resolve it and maybe at least salvage a friendship there.
I decided that a text would definitely not be the right approach, so I flicked through my contacts in my phone before clicking on his name. I had barely thought about what to say when I had already began calling.
"Jess?" his familiar, husky voice appeared on the line.
"Hey" is all I could muster the courage to say.
The line went quiet, I was waiting for him to say something else but then I gave myself the push. I had called him with the intention of resolving this so that is what I was going to do. Just as I was about to talk, his voice returned.
"I missed you." It was quiet, but the sincerity was clear.
"Look..we need to talk"
"Go ahead" the silence slowly creeping back, along with his calm breathing. I was beginning to freeze up again. "If this is about why you've been avoiding me.. I kinda get it" he said. "The way that ended, fucking sucked. I shouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have done that. When I'm angry or feeling something that I don't want to, I just want to forget, and I drink until I'm black out drunk and I do stupid shit"
"No kidding." I butted in.
"What I'm saying is - I don't even remember the chicks name. I've felt shit ever since and the fact that you haven't given me one tiny chance to apologize in four weeks, almost five, that's all the punishment that I need, trust me."
"Who says that I want to punish you? You'd have to mean something to me first for you to even affect me."
Who was I trying to kid? Of course he affected me, Kara was 100% right, I was jealous. The fact that I was snapping at him was to try and hide my feelings in order to save myself from feeling them. It was all so clear now.
"Well there has to be some reason as to why you've avoided me for such a long time." He was starting to sound a little agitated
"I just couldn't.." I confessed.
"I get it." He sighed. "I really do." Silence filled the line again but this time it was more comfortable. "I didn't realize how much I missed your voice" he chuckled softly.
"I'm sorry for being such an ass"
"Nah, it's all good." I could barely contain the yawn that escaped my lips. "You should get some sleep, you sound exhausted."
His comment was small yet made me smile.
"Speak to you soon?" I asked.
"I'll be here" he replied, hearing the content in his voice.
"Goodnight, Q"
"Goodnight babe."
I smiled to myself, before I kicked myself mentally for not sorting this out sooner. The warm feeling was a feeling that I had gotten every moment that I was with him in Chicago, every time he made a small gesture or called me something cute. Meaningless...could it really be something that I could do?
