Alone Together

No More Together

"Phil..."

Phil had no idea what Dan was going to say. So Phil had no idea how he was going to react to whatever it was Dan said. Phil didn't break Dan's gaze. Dan didn't break Phil's gaze. They were still in a half-embrace. Staring. Looking. Seeing.

"Phil... Phil I love you. But not as a friend. I mean, as a friend, obviously. You're my best friend. But... Phil... I'm in love with you. I love you."

Phil could feel himself freeze. His brain practically boiled. Thoughts were spinning too fast, the movement making friction, the friction making heat, the heat burning everything down. Phil's mind was an inferno.

Phil hadn't known how he would react before, but it might've been a problem that after Dan said it he still didn't know how to. Instead he said the first thing that came to his head that wouldn't be him reacting. Phil decided to stall.

"But you always told me you liked girls."

Dan had broken the stare after he spoke, but Phil hadn't been able to move his eyes. Dan wasn't attempting to reestablish it, but instead looking just about anywhere but Phil's face.

"Well, that's because I always had. Until a few months ago. A few months ago... Well, I realized how much I liked you. And, well, it didn't matter that you're a guy. It doesn't. I love you, Phil."

Phil had used that time to process the new words, but also to realize how he felt. He loved Dan. He really did. As a friend. The strongest love a friendship can have, that's what Phil felt towards Dan. But he didn't love him romantically. Phil still loved Friend. If anything, the past few weeks had made him love Friend more. They say you don't know what you have till it's gone, and that had rung true for Phil. Phil missed Friend. Phil loved Friend.

But what would he say to Dan? Sexuality was the easiest excuse, but Dan knew Phil was gay. Practically everyone Phil had ever met knew that. Phil could say he was in love with someone else, but that would raise questions. Dan would ask who, and want to meet them, and if he was in love then why has Phil been utterly miserable for the past few weeks. He couldn't just say no, could he? No. Phil didn't want to just say no. That wasn't fair. He loved Dan. Whether it be platonically or romantically, it certainly wasn't okay to just reject him without a proper reason.

No, the only option Phil could see was the truth.

When he realized this, he could physically feel some sort of weight lifting off his shoulder, baggage he hadn't even known he was carrying fall to the ground. "Dan... Dan, I have something to tell you."

As soon as he started to speak all the reasons he hadn't told Dan before came into the light. Dan would think he was mental. Heck, he didn't even know he wasn't mental. It was all faith. Which Dan wouldn't have-no, that Dan couldn't have. It was crazy, impossible, and he had no proof. It would sound like the stupidest lie to reject him with. But what else could he do? Phil had carried this secret for too long. And he wouldn't let it ruin his friendship with Dan. His best friendship. Very possibly now his only friendship.

"Yeah? And what's that Phil?"

It was Phil's turn to look away. He took a deep breath and pushed on. Just like ripping off a band-aid. More speed, less pain. Don't stop or it'll hurt more.

"Well, Dan... I'm sorry, first of all. I definitely love you. Just not... Not in that way... I'm sorry, Dan."

Dan looked hurt, and Phil could see his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed down a wave of emotion.

"It's okay, Phil. But... Just... Can you tell me why, at least?" Dan looked like he was biting back tears, and it killed Phil, it ripped his heart to shreds. But he loved Friend with all his heart. And he loved Dan enough that he deserved an answer.

Well, here goes nothing Phil thought. "Yeah... But Dan, it's going to sound completely mental. Just please... Please believe me when I say it's the truth. Because no matter how crazy it sounds, it is. The truth." Phil closed his eyes, as if bracing for impact, and for a moment the only sounds were the two boys' breathing and a distant siren. "Dan, I... I'm in love with someone else..."

Dan looked so sad. So so very sad. It made Phil sad. "Who?" Dan nearly squeaked out.

"Well, here's where the crazy part comes in... You see, Dan... Since I was in high school... There's been this voice. In my head. But it isn't my voice. It's another person. For some reason-and trust me, I don't know the reason-we can talk to each other with thoughts. We can't tell each other things like our names or where we live, but we talk a lot. We've been talking for years. He... He's been there for me for years, he was there when I was at the lowest point in my life. I was there for his. He-" Phil practically choked. "He's one of my best friends. You and him. And, well... Dan. Dan look at me."

Dan looked at Phil, and there was pain in his eyes. Also something new, something that looked nervous, anxious-almost scared.

"I'm completely, madly, utterly in love with him. I know it sounds completely insane, and hell, it probably is, but... Oh Dan. Please believe me. I've wanted to tell you. But... Oh Dan. I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry."

They looked at each other for a few moments more. A tear rolled down Dan's cheek. Dan stood up as more followed.

Crying, Dan ran to his room, and Phil let him. God, he was awful.

Phil tried to imagine what must be going through Dan's head. He came up with two options.

1) Dan was scared for his friend's sanity. He was worried. He was hating himself for falling love with a nut case. Overall just scared and confused, thinking his friend is mental.

2) Hurt. Just so hurt and exposed. There was something Phil wasn't telling him, and to reject him he came up with some crazy blatant lie. Phil was an awful person. Completely insensitive. Flat out rejected him. Didn't only not give a real reason, but made up something that was obviously a lie, and they both knew it.

Phil sat and cried, praying to every deity he could think of that it wasn't some cruel mixture of the two.

Phil felt so alone. He had fucked things up with Dan and Friend.

This time alone was alone.

There was no together.