State of Confusion

Chapter 4

- Christian -

One month later...

With a blank stare, Christian focused on nothing in particular as he sat upright in his king size bed with his laptop propped open. The pads of his fingers hovered over the plastic keys ready for a response but frozen with distraction upon his intruding thoughts. Ones that continued to ambush him from every corner of his mind and weighed heavy on his soul. A tortured soul, his internal sarcasm came forward. He groaned at the thought of his twisted perception of himself. How fucking pathetic of him to view himself in such a way, even if it held some truth.

In the hopes to erase his current distraction, Christian closed his eyes tight. Somehow this small action would fix it all. Somehow when he reopened his eyes he would regain concentration and his sanity, but that was wishful thinking. Instead, he bore a hole into the screen of his laptop as he stared at the demanding world that beckoned him nearly 24/7.

The business world never slept, and neither did he. Fully charged and programmed to face the challenges that it presented him with day in and day out, he was always ready. Whether he sat behind a desk, gripped a phone in his hand, or stood before the executive board, he felt in his element. This was the life he had strived for. This was the life he envisioned himself in for as long as he could remember, and now as it called on him once more, he lacked any response.

Christian placed his hand to his head as the subtle aches reminded him that despite his best efforts, he was not a whole man just yet. There was no way to accelerate the healing process mentally and physically. Only time could do that, and it aroused the frustration inside him. He didn't have time to for this. His life could not stop temporarily because of what happened, even if the doctor had strictly advised that it should. All his hard work could not go to waste no matter what condition he was in. People depended on him and vice versa. His life and his work could not be simply be put on hold.

With another attempt to refocus, he scanned the inbox of his e-mail. A laundry list of unanswered messages begged for his attention and only made his head hurt more. The subject titles ranged from his typical daily inquiries to get well soon e-cards from various people. At least, these good wishes could be deleted in the blink of an eye, unlike the dozen of flowers, balloons, and crappy chocolates that filled his foyer at the moment. His accident had stirred quite some concern and not just amongst his inner circle. 

The life he led was ideal, one that people only dreamt of having one day. He was successful and not just in the sense of personal accomplishments. Financially, he was well off, but money was never his true desire. What he strived for was control. To have complete control in all aspects was succeeding in his eyes, and so he had worked hard. He put in the hours, the effort, and met the right people to continue his climb toward the top. Business was easy, people were hard. That's what someone had once told him in his early years of his career, and they had been right. Business was easy once you knew how it worked. People were the tricky part, but the longer he immersed himself in the business world, the easier it had become for him to work with those around him. Whether it was with persuasion, personalization, or intimidation, he could get what he wanted. 

Christian smirked at the thought. Putting his hard work into perspective, he was on the rise to be one of the most powerful businessmen in not only the city but the nation. People knew his name and respected him for his work. He wanted it to stay that way, but even with his greatest accomplishment within reach, something was still missing. 

The absent feeling within him was not a welcome feeling by any means. It was like he had been split into two. One part of him remained intact with the world that had molded him and defined him, while the other was outside of it. That part of him was no longer distracted by a complex world that demanded his attention twenty-four seven. It was distracted by something else, someone else too.