Jaspar One-Shots

I'll Be Me

Author's Note: oooo doesn't this sound like a happy story :) yay

This is actually super crappy but I hope you enjoy it anyways. It's crappy both literally and figuratively because I was taking a crap while writing this and thus, the crappyness influenced my mind to make a crappy story :)

P.S. Listen to James Bay's "Let It Go" while reading this.
Just because it's a sad song, it doesn't mean it's a sad story, btw. Jut notifying u.

Summary: Caspar and Joe have a lot of fights. Will they make up or break up?
(Preferably make up pls)

Caspar squeezed his eyes shut as a violent streak of tears ran down his face. Sat on the bed with his head leaned against the wall, he fisted his hands in anger, a quake of fear wracking his body. Through the thin walls of his apartment, he could hear banging, the shattering of a glass object and a furious shout.

It's been going on for months now. Months. Today was supposed to be their day, the anniversary of when they had moved in together a year ago. A bit of Nandos, maybe book a hotel together, but no. He should've known better.

Joe made Caspar feel small. Every opinion of his was wrong, every move and action, every word spoken. Gone was the once easy atmosphere and friendship that they once possessed, and they could no longer look one another in the eye. And Caspar, all he'd done was love Joe, and maybe once Joe loved him too, but where was it now? He couldn't even remember the last time he had told Joe that he loved him, or when Joe had said it to him. It seemed like all that happiness they once had was from a distant, far away world. Perhaps it was.

He heard a faint thump in the Joe's room and the sound of a closet banging open. Slowly, he turned his body so that his shoulder touched the wall and put his ear on it to listen.

Nothing else happened, beside the occasional soft thump and the unknown sound of something scratchy following it.

It seemed like nothing out of the ordinary, to be honest. There were many strange noises in their household, including that noise the ghost haunting their apartment made. What was its name again? He had already forgotten.

Then, suddenly, the door of Joe's room slammed open, the impact making the walls of their apartment shake. Under all the noise, a pair of footsteps were heard exiting the room, followed by the noise of wheels scratching against the wooden floor.
Luggage.

Caspar froze. A gripping realization shook him.

The footsteps were clambering up the stairs now, the luggage banging on the steps of the stairs, taunting Caspar.

Joe was leaving. Joe couldn't leave him.

The realization made him jolt up, his heart pounding fast, as the weight of what was about to happen clouded his mind. He sprung up from his bed in panic, flinging his door hard open and scrambling outside. Behind him, he could heard the door ricochet against the wall and the sound of what seemed like something breaking, but he couldn't care less at the moment.

Memories flashed through his eyes, his heart pounding faster and faster with every passing second

He remembered that evening he and Joe walked back home together, the streets almost empty at dusk. The laughter, the talking, the joy, everything that was gone now. And how they binge watched their favourite shows together in their pyjamas, snuggling on the couch on that cold winter evening. Then the next morning, the light spilling through the blinds waking him up with the weight of a head on his shoulder.
Joe's head. He remembers the feeling of their legs entwined with each other in a tangled mess.

From walking home and talking loads
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch and getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you

But where had they all gone. Memories of all those times Joe made him feel inferior and worthless, and all those times he had hurt Joe back flooded his thoughts. Why were they still holding on? Was it just the fear of being alone? Their relationship was a lie masked in happiness. Yes Caspar loved Joe, but did Joe love him back? Was all of this worth the pain?

But now we're slipping at the edge
Holding something we don't need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees

A sharp noise broke Caspar from his thoughts, and his eyes locked with Joe for the first time in a while until Joe broke contact. With Joe are two luggages and a bulging half-closed backpack. Caspar could see Joe's favourite sweater sticking out of it.

He'd picked it up, then. Their fight had knocked down a closet of Joe's, before Caspar stormed into his own room and slammed the door shut. So many instances and times like this, every fight was like a repeat of their fight before. If this was all they were, what their love was, why were they allowing it to continue?

From throwing clothes across the floor
To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you
If this is all we're living for
Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore

A sharp sensation stung his foot. Caspar stopped and looked down at the floor, seeing multiple pieces of glass scattered in pieces. The mirror that once adorned their front entrance, broken.

He saw himself in the million pieces, his eyes bloodshot with tears, unrecognizable. It wasn't him. It wasn't the Caspar he used to see in the mirror. It was the Caspar he promised himself he would never become.

I used to recognize myself
It's funny how reflections change
When we're becoming something else
I think it's time to walk away

He looked away from the mirror and took several long strides towards Joe, catching him by the hand. The hand momentarily froze. It didn't feel right anymore. The warmth was gone, the gentle touch was gone, and all that was left was the frenzy of desperation and roughness. Maybe once it felt right, but it no longer did, and they both knew that it never would again.

Caspar let the hand free. It fell limp at Joe's side. He resisted the urge to grasp Joe's hand and never let it go.

So come on, let it go
Just let it be

Joe turned on his heel and took a step out of their shared apartment, the hand Caspar grasped coming to coil around one of the handles of the luggage.

The chill of autumn hit Caspar like a wave, though he's sure that's not what made him shiver. He felt cold, colder than what winter or autumn's chill could ever be.

Without a glance backward, Joe walked further and further. The street lamps shone in the darkness of the night, creating a gloomy effect on the streets of London. Caspar watched the shape of his back disappear into the dark.

Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze

Slowly, Caspar shut the door, a slight draft passing through. The finality of it all, the wrongness of the feeling of Joe's hand in his, the image of Joe fading into the night made him numb all over.

Joe was gone.

Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

"But I'd rather be someone else and have you at my side than be alone again."

Author's Note: lol I lied I'm a liar
Why u always lying
Why u always lying
Mhmmm oh my gerd
Stahp f-ing lying