death of a conformist || phan

6

I could feel the tears running down my cheeks.
My breaths became shorter.
My eyes were blurred of vision.
I'd promised myself I wouldn't cry this hard again.
But every year that bloody John Lewis advert got me.
The man on the moon was lonely and then the girl got him a telescope and the tear at the end oh god I was gonna start howling.
This liquid falling down my face could only mean one thing-
Christmas was coming.
I kind of forgot about Christmas this year, as bad as that is.
I checked the date on my phone.
December 7th.
Fair play.
That gave me 18 days to buy three presents for my mum, dad and brother.
Maybe 4 actually.
I'd probably have to get Lilia one.
5?
For Joe.
6...
For, um

Phil Lester •
Phil Lester: 18 days tadz!!!!!!!!!
Dan Howell: yea
Phil Lester: you excited?!
Dan Howell: not really
Phil Lester: oh my goat why not
Dan Howell: idk
Phil Lester: what do you want?
Dan Howell: ???
Phil Lester: for christmas!
Dan Howell: oh no you don't need to get me anything
Phil Lester: was actually talking about what you wanted from your family
but yes tadz i will be getting you something
Dan Howell: you really don't have to
Phil Lester: I know I don't
Dan Howell: ... okay
I smiled.
Dan Howell: :)
Phil Lester: I love it when you smile
Dan Howell: you can't even see me lmao
Phil Lester: yes but I know you are tadz and you look so pretty!!!!!
I blushed.
Dan Howell: stooooooop
Phil Lester: nooooooo
Dan Howell: :')
Phil Lester: did you know that cows have best friends?!
Dan Howell: aw
Phil Lester: also did you know
Dan Howell: ???
Phil Lester: I hate living in this dorm room everyday of my life
Dan Howell: :/ I'm sorry
Phil Lester: not your fault
An idea popped into my head.
Dan Howell: will you still be stuck by yourself on christmas day?
Phil Lester: yeah, same as every year :p
Dan Howell: come to mine!
Phil Lester: what????
Dan Howell: come over to mine! Mum always cooks too much turkey anyway haha and it would be less awkward to have to sit through the pre-drinking family chitchat with you there
Phil Lester: are you sure?
Dan Howell: yes!!!!
Phil Lester: THANK YOU SO MUCH THATS SO KIND OF YOU GOD BLESS YOU
I started smiling again.
Dan Howell: it's fine haha
Dan Howell: keep quiet about it though yeah? don't want the whole school knowing
Phil Lester: oh yeah.. sure
Phil Lester: thanks again
Phil Lester - active one minute ago
Me and Phil were talking nearly everyday.
It was kind of weird.
But it wasn't.
I don't really know, he just got me.
No one else seemed to.
I knew I was a twat, it was obvious.
He managed to see through that.
I shook my head.
I remembered what I'd said to myself on the first day of school.
So, to be liked I simply just had to hate Phil Lester.
Everyone else hated him.
Apart from Chris and PJ.
But didn't everyone hate them too?
And that's when I started laughing.
I was laughing so hard I was crying.
Do you know why?
Because I realised, I seriously did not give a shit.
Why should I give a shit?
Couldn't I like whoever I wanted?
Couldn't I talk to whoever I wanted?
Couldn't I buy presents for whoever I wanted?
Couldn't I write poems about whoever I wanted?
Couldn't I cuddle with whoever I wanted?
I started laughing again at how stupid I had been.
It was my life!
Not Joe's or Lilia's or anyone in that bloody squadron.
Mine.
And I'll tell you what.
I was so fucking sick of being a tadpole.