Take It Up With Somebody That Cares

Chapter 10: Cierra

I can't breathe, I'm crying so hard. Vivian hates me. She hates me for what I did, but I don't blame her. Because now I hate me, too.

My heart is pounding so hard, I can hear it. I feel like I'm about to throw up! I have this lump in my throat making it so I'm hyperventilating! I want to just go back to the past, and forget everything! I want to change the past. I want to undo what I did to Vivian. I did a horrible thing to her for such a stupid reason! If I could wish for one thing, just one thing, I wish things could go back to the way they were before she left! Before she got sent to juvie! Before I found out Miles like me, before she met Liam, before I had the plan, before I got angry, before I did everything that I did!

My parents are disappointed in me. Miles is dead because of me. Vivian hates me. I've lost everyone! But whose fault is this? Only one person: me.

If it weren't for me, Miles wouldn't have agreed, he wouldn't have thought about it, he wouldn't have poured his heart out just so I could shove it back in, and he wouldn't be dead! I killed him! I pushed him. I pushed him off the edge. I'm the one who cornered him. I'm the one who stayed to talk to him!

If it weren't for me, Vivian wouldn't have gone to juvie, she wouldn't have changed so much, she wouldn't have missed so much, she wouldn't feel like she deserved what she got, people wouldn't think that she really did something like this, and that it was all her fault!

I can't believe this! I'm such a bad person! Why did I do this? Why did I? I don't even really know! I was mad. I was mad and angry but I was overreacting! I should've taken the high road! I shouldn't have overreacted like I did! What she did to me was nothing, but I ruined her life for it!

I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I was such a bad friend. Not a friend, though. No, more like an enemy. I don't get how Miles could live with knowing what we both did! How could Vivian just wait and wonder why someone did that to her! How did I ever live with myself knowing that it was all my fault!

Why did I ask that, even? I know. I know why. It was easy when she was gone. It was easy because I didn't have to look at her. I didn't have to hear the stories, I didn't have to listen to her tell me that she thought that she deserved it, I didn't have to look at her in deep though, like she thought that she did it herself!

But now she's back. She's back, and she knows everything. She knows what I did and she's never going to forgive me! I could live with myself when I didn't see what happened to her! But now I can see. I can't live knowing that everyone I ever cared about has left me! I can't live with myself knowing that it was all my fault!

I've been thinking about everything that's happened these past two days, and all I want to do is to just forget! Forget that I ever did anything wrong! Forget that Miles is dead! Forget that Vivian found out!

It seems pretty clear now what I have to do. Right now it seems like I only have one option.