How to Get a Boyfriend (boyxboy)

Chapter Nine

“Oh my Big Bang, you have a boyfriend!” squeaked Amelia down the phone.

“Yeah, thank Darwin that his parents wanted a shag, or it might never have happened,” I said into my mobile, grinning from ear to ear.  I should explain – Ames is an atheist, and hates having to use religious words when she wants to swear, so we invented a science religion, where God is the Big Bang, Jesus is Darwin and Heaven is CERN.  Hey, don’t judge me, it's fun.

“Soooo…” she said slowly, stretching out the syllables.

“No,” I replied sharply.

“What?  You don’t know what I’m gonna say!” she shrieked indignantly.

“Yes, I do.  I know you, Ames.  No, I did not suck his pole, no, we did not fuck each other, but yes - I did give him a quick handie.”  I grinned at this last one, since John hadn’t actually cum when I was touching him, but Amelia wasn’t to know that.

“Whore.”

I rolled my eyes, and then remembered she couldn’t see me, so I tsked at her down the phone.

“Greedy.”

“Fudge-packer.”

“Slut.”

“Banana-crammer.”

I frowned.  “Hey, you stole that last one from Family Guy!”

“So what if I did?” she said sweetly, and I could almost hear the innocent expression she was pulling.  I smirked, because I knew I’d got a good one.

“Demi-faghag.”

She gasped.  “Take that back!  No fair, I’m a full-on faghag!”

“Is that really something to be proud of?” I guffawed at her.  The line went silent, and now I was sure I could feel the witch stare emanating from the speaker.  I quickly ended the call, wiping a sudden sweat from my brow, then laughed hysterically when I received a text from Amelia, saying: -.^ which is her way of writing her witch stare in a text.  I shook my head.  That girl was actually a deviless.

I grabbed my trainers from under the pile of clothes that built up over the week and shoved them on my feet.  I heard the car keys jangling from the hall, and my dad calling for me to get ready.  My wallet was almost empty when I snatched it up on my way out, but twenty quid is enough for a quick shop, right?

“Sixty freaking pounds for a computer game?!” my dad fumed as we left GAME, me clutching a brand-new box.

“It’s the latest in a series, and it comes with a bunch of extras,” I told him diplomatically.  “Look, I got this cool keychain!”

He snorted derisively.  “Please, that would cost about ten pence to make.  That does not justify the small fortune I just spend on that damned thing.”

“Oh, stop fussing,” chided Rachel, giving him a gently slap on the arm.  He grunted in response and allowed her to lead him in to Selfridges.  I headed straight for the Krispy Kreme shop, mainly just to look at all the doughnuts being made, dripping warm glaze as they shuffled along the conveyer.  I drooled at the sight of them, so I bought three and ate them all at once.  So much for the diet.

My parents went upstairs, looking for new underwear for Derrick.  I shuddered at the thought.  Dad-pants, gross!  I preferred staying on the ground floor, because that’s where the food hall was, plus the giant bull statue made out of Jelly Belly beans.  I snickered behind my hand when I saw that someone had tried to eat some of the bull’s right hind leg – the beans were held in place with a nasty-tasting, non-edible glue.  They were probably in a toilet, puking their guts out… that is, if they were lucky, they’d only be puking.