Strengths
The Title
Mystery/Thriller ang genre ng kwento. And it's a good thing that the title is parallel with the content of the story. Dagdagan pa ng teaser.
Witty ending of every chapter
Here's one thing I love about the story: everytime a chapter ends, there's a hanging question. Napapaisip ang mga reader.
Writing Improvement
One thing I like about the technical side of this story is that, it has improvements and those improvements are vividly visible.
Halimbawa, ganito magsulat si Red noon:
* "I find him suspicious"
* There's nothing weird about me"
Ganito na siya magsulat ngayon:
* "Matagal-tagal din pala."
* "You know the answer already."
-Kung mapapansin natin, hindi gumagamit ng tuldok noon si Red sa tuwing matatapos ang isang declarative sentence. Lagi ring naka-bold noon ang mga dialogue. Good thing, though, he learned how to fix those technical things. Kahit na minsan nagkakamali pa rin siya sa paggamit ng punctuation marks, at least may improvement. Improvement is not an overnight process, right? :)
Formal writing style
Isa si Red sa mga iilang writers dito sa wattpad na hindi gumagamit ng mga emoticon at naglalagay ng malalaking spacing. Kaya, kumbaga sa laman, malaman ang bawat page at maraming mababasa. Mobile user-friendly rin.
The use of quotations
Natuwa ako sa mga quotation bago magsimula ang bagong chapter. Ang galing lang kasi connect-connect ang mga iyon sa mga chapter. Most of the quotations were from classic novels din kaya malaking tulong para ma-expose ang mga reader sa classic literature. The quotations helped me, personally. :)
Areas of Improvement
Feministic POVs
-Here's one thing I noticed about the POVs used: they all have feministic voice. Ibig kong sabihin, kung tatanggalin natin ang "Character's POV" maiisip ng isang mambabasa na babae ang nasa lahat ng POVs dahil:
* Lahat ay laging nakasigaw magsalita. Mapa-lalaki, mapa-babae, may '!" ang mga dialogue. Please, please, minimize the use of exclamation mark especially when writing dialogues of a male character. Nawawala po kasi ang masculine side at nagiging masyadong loud ang kwento.
at
* Lahat ay TagLish magsalita. It's not that it's bad for a guy to speak in TagLish yun nga lang, isang flaw sa TMP e, iisa lang ang paraan ng pagsasalita ng mga character lalo na kapag nag-ta-Taglish. Kapag nagsusulat po tayo using Male's POV or Male's dialogue, it's better po na kung hindi pure Tagalog, pure English. Nagiging 'malambot' po kasi ang dating kapag naka-TagLish lagi.
Verb inconsistency
- Madalas mag-shift si Red ng verb tense. Minsan, yung dapat na past tense, nagiging future tense and vice versa.
For example:
"I spend my first thirty minutes on taking a bath and dressing myself."
- This must be in past tense since the action was already done. So when edited, it becomes:
"I spent my first thirty minutes..."
Just a piece of advice, please focus with one verb tense. If you want your story to be in past tense, write the whole story in past tense. If you want it to be in present tense, write it in present tense. Nakakalito po kasi kapag papalit-palit ng tense. Hindi na po magiging malinaw kung ang story ay nangyayari pa lang o nangyari na.
Overused ellipsis (...)
-It's good to use ellipsis for element of surprise. However, if used excessively, it's going to lose its purpose. Tingin ko ganun ang nangyari sa TMP. Maya't maya ang paggamit ng ellipsis kahit hindi kailangan. We only use it po when a sentence is to be continued, when we quote a phrase from a sentence or when we want to add an element of surprise in a story.
Uncapitalization
- Let's have these first:
"Of course, tita!"
"No, iha!"
"...mariing sabi ni mama na may halong pagbabanta..."
"...tanong sa akin ni kuya..."
-- Here's one rule in writing: A title must be capitalized when it is used as a part of or a substitute of a name.
For example:
"Of course, Tita!"
"No, Iha!"
"...mariing sabi ni Mama na may halong pagbabanta..."
Uncle Tom
Kuya Gerald
Tita Kris
Wrong choice of words
-May mga sentence na ganito:
"...go here"
- In English conservation, we say, "Come here." when we want someone to come near us. And we say, "Go there." when we want someone to be sent somewhere.
"Oh, god, ang lamig pala!" I uttered.
- When we utter, we say something in low/soft voice. We don't shout po.
A piece of advice lang po, hindi po masama kung aalamin muna natin kung tama ba ang pagkakagamit natin ng isang salita bago natin ito gamitin sa pagsusulat. :)
No hates, please. :)
