Ryder

Chapter 10

My muscles ached everywhere from where Lucas had attacked me.  My eye had turned a deep, shiny shade of purple, and mum had already taken me to get the stitches.  I was glad that my thick, unruly dark hair covered the tiny bald spot around them.  I got terrible, throbbing pains frequently, and no matter what medication I took, they wouldn't go away.  There wasn't any escape to the pain I felt.  I wanted to scream out loud, but I couldn't have another emotional outburst, not to mention that it hurt to move any part of me. 

Ryder was holding up pretty okay.  She said that her back was still feeling sharp pain, and that the bruise was still there and dark.  Her stomach had healed from the vomiting, but she wasn't allowed to eat for the next few days, doctor's orders.  She told me that she didn't mind being hurt, that she was used to it.

"The thing that bothered me," she told me on Sunday, after a day of painful silence, "was that he hurt you.  He shouldn't have done that.  You did nothing.  Why does he hate you, anyways?"

I groaned.  She's family, I told myself.  She has to know.  It's not that terrible.  She already knew that I was picked on, and why everyone else did it.  She deserved to know why Lucas in particular, the by far most intollerable kid in school, victimized me.  I mustered all of my strength, preparing my sore throat for speech.

"It all really started in middle school.  It was stupid.  Sixth grade, I think.  Yeah, sixth.  He was playing a game of wall ball," I began.

"What's that?  Wall ball?"

"It's where you throw a ball....against a wall.  And then, you try to catch the ball when it bounces back.  If you miss, you have to stand against the wall while people throw theirs."

"Oh."

"Yeah.  So he threw the ball, but too hard.  And as it bounced back, it hit me, straight in the gut.  He started laughing a ton, and so did everyone else.  I was just sitting there, documenting score or something like that.  Really just minding my own business.  I didn't have any friends back then."

"Oh....I'm sorry.  What happened then?"  Ryder asked, and she actually seemed genuinely interested. 

"So," I continued, "I got hit in the gut, which, by the way, sucked, because when I got home, I threw up more than ever before.  But since Lucas didn't catch the ball in the end, he had to go against the wall.  So everyone got a turn to throw their ball at him.  Well, the other guys figured that since I had gotten hit, I should've been the first to throw.  It was sort of a joke, though, because I was the weakest one there, and none of them liked me or really knew me."  I paused, trying to remember if this was really how the story went.  Close enough. 

"Then, I stood up.  My stomach still hurt, and I was crouching over with pain.  I didn't think I would hit him anywhere close.  But when I threw it, I ended up hitting him....hard.  In the face.  I guess I got really mad or something, and lost control.  I didn't mean to hurt him so badly, but I ended up breaking his nose.  And then everyone laughed at him, harder than they had laughed at me.  Because Lucas Sprint, the toughest kid in the grade, got beat up by me, the weak one, the new kid."

"You aren't weak, though," Ryder pointed out.

"Yeah, I am.  Very weak.  I'm just some nerd who carries a camera around his neck, writing stories for a dumb school newspaper.  I've never done anything athletic in my life.  For years, I hid in a bathroom and threw up.  That's not very strong."

"But....you might not be very strong, physically, but you are strong emotionally."  Ryder said it matter-of-factly.  As if she could convince me.

"You're very strong, Ryan.  You helped me, and you didn't leave me behind at that house.  You took me in with you.  Not many people would do that.  And you've been very strong with....what you told me.  You said that last week was the first time you cried.  That's very brave of you, to even cry at all.  You fight through all of this terrible stuff you have in your life.  You deserve more credit, because I think that emotional strength is more powerful that physical strength."

I took a while to absorb this information.  Ryder thought I was....brave?  Really?  She....she saw me for what was on the inside of me.   Not everything else.  Not what other people thought.  She actually, I realized, was making an effort to get to know me.  That was more than everyone had ever done.  More than I could've asked for. 

"I....I guess so."  I said, rather lamely in comparison to what Ryder had just told me.  She really liked me.  And I really liked her.

In that way.

....

My feelings for Ryder were becoming an obstacle for me now.  I told myself that I wasn't allowed to like her; she was family.  Illegal family....so not really family....but she lived with me.  So dating her, I figured, was out of the question.  Did she even like me back?  Girls were hard to read.  Their emotions were always turned into some crazy metaphor or some shit.  They couldn't just say they were sad or happy; they had to be "drowning in a pool of tears and emotion" or "flying high with the birds, about to enter Heaven". 

I couldn't.  I just couldn't like Ryder.  It was forbidden.  Besides, if I did, then Lucas would be right.  And God forbid Lucas being right.  That's it.  I simply wouldn't like Ryder anymore.

Well, that was harder than I thought. 

I noticed all sorts of things about her now, when we sat on the couch together, getting over our wounds.  I noticed every tiny feature on her face.  It was a little creepy, I've got to admit, but I heard that girls really like it when guys pay attention to detail.

She has these tiny freckles, all across the bridge of her nose and that spill into her cheeks.  She has cheekbones....well, everyone does, but hers were different.  Sharper.  Probably from lack of basic nutrition.  Ryder's lips were thin, and when she was left alone, they would turn into a pleasant, small smile.  Her eyes were silver, pale, and wide.  I was glad that Lucas left those alone.  Her eyelashes were long and dark, and looked especially beautiful when her eyes were closed.  Her hair was the same way, only it looked good all the time.  There were layers to it, I noticed.  On top of the layers, the hair was slightly lighter, but still almost black.  Her nose curved perfectly, like a small skateboard ramp.  Ryder's skin was very pale, despite the new time she had spent outside and at school.  The skin just below her eyes were dark, like a weird blackish-purple.  Weird how liking her made me notice that.

I needed to get away from her....every second I was with her, I was closer to loving her, which I told myself was absolutely absurd.  I just had to stop it.  This would only lead to more pain.  I needed to focus on other things, like school, and Sarah, and....no.  That was it.  Only school and Sarah.  Not Ryder.  I had to do something. 

Crazy things.

Insane things.

Things to make me stop liking Ryder.