Ryder

Chapter 15

I ate dinner by myself that night, which was kind of a relief.  I was able to cook whatever I wanted, and as much as I wanted, without being judged. 

And by "make whatever I wanted", I meant "I shall cook ramen noodles because it is one of the only meals that I do not screw up".  But that was okay, because at least I'd be eating.  Which I figured that I needed to do, since I completely skipped my after-school snack, therefore having not eaten in 6 hours.  I couldn't stop eating--that would make me bad again.  And I don't want to be bad again.  It was clear that mum and dad weren't going to be home for a while(which I was used to, of course, because now I was only a second concern).  I figured that never having time to sit down and eat with your family was a side effect of having a son whose medical bills put you slightly in debt.

So I sat at the table in solitude, swallowing soggy noodles in big clumps.  Did I have a tapeworm or something?  Great.  More stomach problems.  I had been eating for a while, but was still nowhere to feeling full at all.  In fact, my entire inside felt oddly empty.  Like I didn't even have organs at all--as though it was just loose air in there, flowing in and out of me at its pleasure.  Ugh.  The only conclusion I could come to was the one that I wanted to avoid most: Ryder.

I had left her all alone at school, and 3 hours after we got out, she still wasn't home.  Or at my home, as I should say.  I blankly scarfed down the rest of the ramen sloppily, and walked over to the large window above the sink.  The sun was drowning beneath the horizon, covered in a blanket of violent pinks, purples, and blues.  Stars were popping up, way above.  Soon it would be dark, and there would be no hope.

Panic rose inside of me, despite how much I tried to shove it back down.  She'll be okay, I told myself.  She's gonna find her way here.  She can do it herself.  I made myself a deal: if she wasn't home in 10 minutes, I'd look for her.

A moment later, I was out the door.

....

It was getting seriously dark now.  It was only, probably, 7:00, or 7:30 at the latest.  But I was still freaking out.  Cold air blew against my face, chilling me to the bone.  I pulled my hoodie around my body tightly, making it so close that you could see the exact outline of my entire torso, and my lack of muscles.  My stomach was like lead, and my feet were like Jell-O. Soon, I wouldn't be able to carry on. 

I walked past endless streets of unanimous houses, occasionally spotting a late-night jogger or dog-walker with a reflective jacket.  Cars rolled by a few times, each driver looking at me curiously.  It was odd for a kid in our community to be out so late by himself.  I could feel my own worried expression, so that probably contributed to it as well. 

I was going to throw up.  I felt so sickly and disgusted with myself, and all I wanted to do was find her and hold her close and tell her, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  My throat got a lump in it, and my breaths became shaky.  My eyes darted back and forth, sweeping the scenery multiple times.  All that greeted me were the ever ominous tree outlines, inflicting criss-crossed shadows on the pavement. 

My heart was pounding, and I was, in the most serious sense of the world--freaking out.  I couldn't handle the idea of losing her--even if I had abandoned her previously.  The wind cried out, and it left me breathless.  The sky had been painted a deep blue now.  My hope to find her dwindled down, spiraling until there was none.  I clenched my fists, forced my eyes shut for a moment, and tore down the street.  

I was panting faster than I had ever done before, pushing my body at unrealistic speeds.  I thought my heart would give way any moment.  Street lights flashed by, a luminescent blur.  I turned corners, darting past any obsicles that could potentionally damage my strides.  I needed Mum and Dad.  I had to get them, I needed their help.  But which would be more important to them?  Sarah, in all her cancer anti-glory, or the Lost found girl?  

Regardless, I continued to run, breaking any previous record I had held before.  The wind combed through my dark hair, and the cold air blew uncomfortably in my eyes.  I twisted around the streets, my sneaker soles slapping the pavement.  My destination was in sight.  I saw the finish line.  My house, lit only by the kitchen and porch lights.  Then, something caught my eye.

Sitting, bathed under the light, was a dark figure.  Silently....it looked like they were barely breathing.  My pace slowly came to a halt a few houses from my door.  

DAMMIT, RYDER. 

She was just sitting there.  Staring at me with those damn, huge eyes.  And she was effing smiling.  SMILING.  How the hell was this funny in any way?

"WHAT THE ABSOLUTE HELL, RYDER?" I yelled.  I felt anger welting up inside of me, and waited for her response.  I was going to burst open.  

"What do you mean?" She replied in a light tone, eyes wide.  Of course she knew what I meant!  I just couldn't believe her....not one bit.  

"Where....were....you?" I hissed.

"I was at school for a little bit," she began, smile dripping off her face.  "And....then I left.  I went to walk around for a bit.  I got really lost, until a really nice man told me that your house was right off of here.  So I came here, but I saw you running away, and I just sort of sat here, and now you're back, and it's okay!"

How stupid could she be?

"What do you think I was running for?  You, dammit!  I was looking for you.  But no!  No, no, no!  You're so stupid!  You're more trouble than you're worth!  Why else do you think I was avoiding you all day?"

There was a thick, pure, clear pool of silence following this.  

"....stupid?"  Her voice was small, and I could detect a quivver in her voice.  

"Yes," I snapped.  "Very, very stupid.  Good night, Ryder."

And with that, I continued my streak of leaving her hanging.