Dead Love

Chapter 5

I didn't get out the car. I couldn't. I was glued to that front seat. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to watch the boy I love be dropped into the cold, hard ground for eternity. I looked around at the people at this ceremony. Jared's friends, his girlfriend, the football team, everyone imaginable that knew him. My parents. Oh god, why did my parents come?

We were the last to arrive. I planned to be the first to leave, before it even started. I shouldn't be here. I may love him more than life itself but that didn't mean I could go through with this. In fact, I knew I couldn't. For a fact. Jess is crazy for thinking I could do this. My reason to go to school, my reason to sit through a class with Miss. Sunshine, my reason I stayed in this town, my reason for existence basically, was gone.

No one could fill that hole but Jessica was trying to. Obviously, it wasn't working. I wouldn't let her have that advantage. Yet, in my mind somehow I wish she could. I wish her friendship could heal the hole that was making my chest collapse. But it couldn't, and I knew it never would. Somehow, I was still living but of course not living sounds like a beautifully perfect idea.

I needed closure that he was dead but not now. It was too soon. In my mind if I went to his funeral it was final that he was dead. At least at home I could try and convince myself that it wasn't true. At home no one bothered me or asked questions, in fact, no one did anything. I was left alone to do whatever I liked.

So now here I am at this funeral wishing I was the one in the casket about to be forever six feet under. You're probably thinking that is so terrible that I'm thinking that but unlike Jared I wouldn't be missed so much. I'm no one important unlike him. I don't have a ton of friends like him. I don't play sports and am a star like him. I don't get special treatment in class because maybe I caught the winning touchdown at the football game last night.

All of these thoughts went through my head and more as I sat motionless in the front of Jess's car. Jessica had had enough though she came around the door that I left wide open - which was a big mistake - and grabbed my wrist yanking me out of the car. She dragged me against my will over to the burial ceremony.