Unspeakable - Phan

Twelve

Hey! So I'm gonna be like those cool people and put an authors note at the start and finish, cuz thats what cool people do. Right? RIghT ??
Omg jk
Yeah, but I changed my writing style? Because now I'm apparently sUper trEndy
Anyway, this chapter was kind of inspired by Talk Me Down and Blue by TrOye bOi.

x

D A N

I paced around my room, the palm of my hands becoming sweaty. What do I say to Phil? Will he kick me out. All these thoughts bombarded my mind, making me more nervous than I was. My breathing was heavy, my thoughts twisting my mind. When I had calmed down, I put on a black leather jacket and walked over to Phil's house. My stomach felt hollow, and the only thing inside of it was my anxiety, and paranoia. In the back of my head, depression came lurking in.

Emotions that I hadn't seen since I met Phil. I didn't want to see them now, but it was too late. They were already here. They were always there. In the back of my mind, lurking in the darkness. I hadn't been paying attention, but those little thoughts of fer, or regret, or in general sadness were my illnesses. They would always stay with me.

I knocked on Phil's (house) door. I felt sick, as if I was going to vomit. What if he rejected me? Well he should, the way you treated him. I heard the small sound of feet shuffling to the door. He was still alive. He slowly opened the door, peeking through the crack, then slamming it closed. 

"Phil, open the door." I pleaded. A small sigh came out of his lips, hardly audible through the door. He opened it fully, "What do you want." His words were like venom. I wrapped my arms round my stomach, gripping it tightly. 

"I came here to-to talk to you. And if you don't mind, maybe in your room?" He frowned, leading me up to his room. It was a mess. Messier than it had ever been. There were things on the floor. Sometimes I swear I saw some glass. 

"So, why did you want to talk to me," He growled, "I thought you hated me."
I shook my head, frowning, "No, I came to apologize. I was a dick yesterday and-"

"Look Dan, I know you were a dick yesterday. I still love you and all you douche," He began, his words soft, "But, I'm not going to forgive you yet. It really hurt, you know? It seemed like..." He trailed off, but then got back on topic.

"It seemed like you were acting like my parents. Caring about me for one second of my life, and then you're gone. Don't give a fuck about me. Leaving me to fend for myself. You were saying how selfish I was being. That's what my parents would tell me whenever I did that back at home. Have you ever wondered why I moved away? Because I was sick of their bullshit! And now, I move here, I'm happy, but then I have to deal with your bullshit?"

Phil's sudden outburst frightened me. He started screaming, and crying. I didn't know that I had been acting like his parents. I didn't even know his parents were that bad. 
Guilt lingered in my stomach. I should've cared yesterday, comforted him. Instead, I ruined our relationship. Typical Dan.

"You know, this is why I never tried to speak." I said, cutting him off, "Because whenever I do, I hurt someone. I always do. I always do it. I'm just stupid, I'm terrible, I know. At least I'm not like my dad."

"You may as well be," He grunted, scrunching up his nose, "You didn't physically abuse me, sure, but you mentally did. Played games with me. You didn't care. That's just as bad, I mean, at least your dad is trying. I can tell he is. He wants you to be happy."

He was right. My dad had been trying to make everything better, to mend out relationship. He had brought Amanda because he thought she could be a good addition to the family. He also thought she could make him better. I had heard their late night talks, and he always talked about how he wanted me and him to have a good relationship again.

"Don't fucking call me my dad," I snarled, "I'm not like him. I'm different. I swear- I swear I am!" I was sobbing. I didn't know why, but I was. I heard Phil stifle a laugh.
"Dan, you call me selfish, when all you talk about is you. It's al about Dan. Oh hey, yeah, lets not care about Phil! Just care about Dan!"

"What? Are you just out to attack me now? I came here to apologize to you Philip Lester! I didn't-"

"I don't want your pity, Dan! You want to apologize because you feel pity. I know you do. I'm not going to let you apologize because I want a real apology. Not a fake one."

"I don't- I don't pity you Phil! If I did, I'd stay home. I'm here to apologize okay? Just let me." I sighed.

"Fine," He whispered, "Apologize."

"I'm sorry for being a dickhead Phil. I'm sorry for being the lamest person on Earth. I'm sorry for just denying your feelings, for being so pathetic. I am so sorry my love. I can't loose you. I was overwhelmed yesterday, and I was being the worst. I hate myself for what I did and said. You deserve better. You deserve a better lover. I'm not worth it. Not worth the pain. But, if you can find it in yourself to forgive me, then, thank god. So, Philip Lester, the light of my life, I'm sorry. for yesterday and for being cheesier than cheese."

Phil frowned, "Apology denied."

x

HAHAHA
I'M sO evil
But you know what, I love death and dying.
A little bit of me dieD WHILE WriTing thiS.

Anyway, on another note, I was thinking of making a new story where Phil is transgender. I know loads of other people have made stories like that, but I just wanted to know if I made a story like that, would anyone read it?

BUT,
LATER
ILY <3

( P.S. I'm the coolest muffin man you'll ever meet // inappropriate wink// )