Journal Entries from a Sick Mind

I'm So Tired of the Rain

I screamed so very loud and you didn't hear me. It wasn't because you couldn't, it was because you didn't want to. And I kept spewing meaningless words about love that you refused to accept.

And why was I the one that was begging for your forgiveness when you were the one that broke me into pieces. I couldn't function without you. And you left me over and over and over again. You saw me in pain and you promised that you would save me, but all you did was spit in my face. But every time you hurt me, I didn't see it as loveless. I saw the good in all the bad you did, and maybe that's what ruined me. I watched you walk all over me, but all I saw was how beautiful the bottom of your feet were.

You pushed me under the water, so that you could stay afloat. And every time I almost drowned, you breathed life into me. I guess I felt indebted to you because you always revived me, even though you murdered me, every time. 

And my fondness of you only grew.  In time, it became so strong that I was worried I would never be able to leave you.  I should have left the second I heard an utterance of hate escape from your small, soft lips. 

And it tore me apart because all I wanted to do was give you up, but I was terrified of losing you. 

I knew I had to let you go when all I wanted, from the depths of my soul, was to see you suffer.  I wanted to see you filled with self-loathing and despised by every poor soul that laid eyes on you.  But I wanted to be the one that comforted you when people were hostile towards you.

Maybe you were broken before you tried to make me and you told yourself that since you were sad, it would be okay to drag everyone you knew down with you.  Maybe no one ever taught you how to love others the correct way.  So maybe it wasn't entirely your fault, but any normal person should be able to see that they have left a path of destruction, and any normal person would try to fix what they have broken.