Journal Entries from a Sick Mind

Year of Feasible Loneliness

I cannot imagine walking by you courageously because the mere thought of you fills me with dread and silent fear.  I don't remember a day that I was not trembling, and it was all your fault.  And do not think for one minute that I ceased to love you. 

I never fucking stopped.

But you gave me away for a ludicrous kind of love.  The kind where you close your mouth and shut your eyes and pretend not to hear a word of hatefulness, although the words circle your head like a vulture when it finds prey.  And that was you.  You were the vulture and you ate away at me until I was nothing, and I had nothing. 

And here I am, nothing.  Nothing at all.  And no one sees me walk down the street anymore, because I stopped walking down the street, altogether.  And maybe they wonder where I am and what has become of me.  Maybe they think I did great things with myself and had great loves.  But the only thing great about our love, was how tragic it became. 

My lungs fill with water and I begin to drown but something inside of me keeps me from death.  And I am confused as to why my heart still beats and why the blood still willfully courses through my veins.  

Maybe I'm lost because when you left, you took away all my maps and all my directions, and I'm going in circles.  And in a dizzy daze, I walk down the street again.  The street that is filled with all the people that wondered what became of me and thought I did great things and had great loves. 

And they ask me where I have been and where I am going, but the lump in my throat prevents me from reassuring them that I am still here, and that I am not quite yet a shell of what I used to be.  But I am fading quickly and surely, and soon I will disappear. 

When I disappear, you will regret every moment you spent away from me.  And though I was fragile and full of flaws, you were too.  And I think that's why you loved me, because we were so alike.  When we kissed I could feel the bitterness on your tongue and in your soft kisses that danced along my bare skin.  And it ruined us. 

And now I will never walk down the street again because it fills me with dread and silent fear.  And the people will soon cease to wonder what became of me, and they will no longer think I did great things, or had great loves.