If We Ever Meet Again

The Boy I Lost

RAIN

I bowed my head as I enjoyed the applause I was getting from the audience before me. I feel great. I've always felt great when I know I didn't disappoint with my performance.

Backstage, I am still smiling from ear to ear when a familiar hand suddenly grabbed me and hugged me tightly. "That was great." he said.

I looked up to him and I kissed him on his lips. I like the feeling of his lips on my lips. It is familar. It is safe. It is better this way.

He kissed me back and I had to cut our kiss because I am still not comfortable with PDA. To which he doesn't have a problem with.

"Thanks, Mart." I told him.
He smiled. "You're welcome, love."
"Aren't you next?" I asked.
"Actually, yep, I am as a matter of fact... and I have to go. Wish me luck?" he winked.
I laughed at his attempt to charm me. I kissed his left cheek to wish him luck.
He briefly kissed me before he went onstage.

Mart and I have been dating for almost 3 years now. At first, he was only a friend who consoled me during my heartbreak, until eventually it blossomed into something more serious.

It's Pop Night tonight. It is the annual music festival in the country. It wanted to bring people together to celebrate OPM. Both Mart and I were invited to perform for the event. We've been getting gigs together ever since we started dating and I am glad I found someone whom I can share my passion for music with.

I am lucky. That has always been my mantra for years. I keep telling it to myself so I won't forget.

I went back to my dressing room where my mom was waiting for me. It's been a while since the last time she accompanied me to an event. I missed it. I missed her. I'm glad she's here. And I know she knows that. I know she knows I need someone who reminds me why I shouldn't repeat my past mistake.

I was bouncing with joy when I entered my dressing room. I still feel ecstatic over the fact that I did great back there. Music is the only one thing in this world who will never make a person sad. Even if the song is sad itself, ironically.

I searched for my mom but she's not there. Bambi told me she went outside just a few minutes ago. I went out of the tent serving as my dressing room to find my mom around the field. After some time, I finally found her. She's talking to someone I cannot see from where I am standing. So I tried to be discreet and slowly came forward.

Until I heard a very familiar voice which has the ability to freeze me solid in place.
Jayden's voice. He's here. Why is my mom talking to him?
I hid in the shadows where both of them wouldn't see me eavesdropping. I can feel the heat in my face as my heart continued beating fast.

"... about you sister. I pray that she will easily recover from it." I heard my mom speaking.

Worry crept into my heart. Pat. What happened to her?

"Thanks, tita. She's always been strong so I'm sure she will get over it sooner."

"I'm glad to hear that. Well, it's nice bumping into you again, Jayden. I'm also happy you're back." She took a deep breath. "Whatever your reason was for leaving, I hope it's not about Rain. I hope it's not about your brawl with Mart at the ball."

For a moment, Jayden stood quiet.
Until he quietly admitted what I have been afraid of confirming since he left. "I'm afraid they were the reason I left, tita. I cannot move around the same place where your daughter and Mart are staying. I tried. But it's just too much listening to everyone..."  I heard him took a deep breath. It's obvious he's having a hard time confessing to my mom. "It's just too much seeing them together, tita. Showbiz is too small for us right now."

All of us went quiet. I can feel my heart breaking all over again. It was my mom who broke the silence.

"Sometimes I wish I was more generous with you when you were pursuing my daughter. Maybe If I gave you both more space in handling your relationship on your own, maybe things went right between the two of you."

My throat got tight when I heard sincerity from my mom's voice.

"No, tita, you were right. We were too young back then. Love wasn't enough for us. And I proved you right, didn't I? When I left Rain and immediately went to a date with someone else. I wasn't able to handle the pressure and I'm so sorry about it. I really am."

I heard some trace of bitterness from his voice. My mom heard it, too, because she went to hug him. "You weren't so bad, Jayden. Remember that I also triggered such decision of yours when I asked you to wait for the right time to be with my daughter. And you have to know that I regret it. Because it didn't only change you. It changed my daughter, too. It changed all of us. I'm so sorry I had to ask you to let go of your happiness for what we thought was right."

Jayden kept quiet while my throat gets tighter as my mom poured her heart out.

"I have to go back to Rain. Jayden, please don't be a stranger."

I watched my mom vanished through the night. Jayden and I stayed where we were. I am sure he doesn't know I was there. But it's like he can feel me right there and he's waiting for me to get out of my hiding place.

Why can't I? What is wrong with talking to him?

You're in a good place. I remember Bambi telling me.

I am. But would talking to him destroy my good place.

No. Go ahead. It's what our heart wants. The voice in my head convinced me.

And so I listened to her. I got out of the shadows and showed myself to Jayden. He froze. Shock and longing were the strongest emotions I saw in his eyes. He tried to recover by masking his expression. I wanted to tell him not to hide from me. But I can't. Because I am sure I am doing the same thing, hiding my real emotion from him, locking it inside myself.

I don't know how long we stared at each other. All I know is we were playing a dangerous game. A game both us could lose again. A game where nobody will ever win. 

I've been wondering how it would feel like to be this close to him again, to stare into his eyes, and just to be in the same moment together. How would I feel when the world vanishes away to be in our own little world again? It only vanishes when I stare into those familiar eyes.

Now I know.
It's painful.
Bacause looking into those eyes, it is now clear to me that the boy I lost is now a man. And I no longer have a place in his world as he no longer has a place in mine. Now I know I should have feared the man instead of the boy.

Because now... I want to be part of this man's world.