If We Ever Meet Again

The Fault

JAYDEN

What is she doing here? Did she hear us talking? I thought.

Rain is in front of me and she looks beautiful. I had to keep myself in check so I won't go to her to hug her. To tell her how much I miss her.

"Rain. Hi," I used all of the techniques I mastered as an actor to play cool in front of her. Even if I can hear my heart drumming fast.

"Jayden." She said.

This is awkward as hell. "Did you, uhm, hear your mom and I talking?"

Rain evaded my look. She heard.
This is really awkward as hell. I asked her, "That was some talk, huh?"

She bit her lower lip and looked down instead of answering my question. I guess our time for pretense is over, damn it.

I cleared my throat. "Rain, it was nothing. You're mom and I... we just bumped into each other. And, uhm, the past was unintentionally brought up."

She finally looked at me again. There's pain in her eyes. Pain for what, I don't know. All I know is I don't like seeing it in there.

Voice lowered, I told her, "I'm sorry you had to hear us." I am. God knows how much I wanted to beat myself because up to now, I'm still hurting her.

"Why did you come back, Jayden?"

"It's Pat. She and Bryan are separating."

Rain looked shocked. "Why? I saw them. They were in love."

I smiled, sadly. "They were, weren't they? I guess people are right when they say love is never enough."

Different emotions played on Rain's face. I know she felt like we're no longer just talking about my sister and Bryan. We are now talking about us. I made us talk about us. I breached the wall we were supposed to have to retain.

Rain closed her eyes. And I grabbed the opportunity to openly observe her. She's slimmer now, unlike when we were still together. I wonder if it's Mart the reason behind her weight loss. He probably is. The guy is a triathlete. He's obsessed in getting slim.

Rain cuts through my thought. "Jayden, what happened to us?"

I swallowed. This is the moment I've been waiting for. She finally asked me the question I've been wanting her to ask me.

"I gave up." I confessed.
"Why?" she asked.
"I was afraid."
"Of what?"
"Of disappointing you and your parents..."
"But you still did when you left me." Rain bitterly .
Quietly, I answered, "I know. I'm sorry."
A moment passed between us. It seems like we've been zigzagging around each other since we meet again.
"Did I hurt you?"
Rain surprised me with the question. Did she hurt me? Did she think she hurt me? I hurt her, but did she hurt me? No, she didn't.
"No, Rain, you didn't."
She winced.
And I wanted to punch myself in the face because she thought our break up didn't hurt me.
"No, Rain, it's not what I me--"
"It's alright, Jayden. It's nothing. I shouldn't have ask--"
"No, wait, Rain, no... You should have asked me and it's not what I meant. What I wanted to say was you didn't hurt me because you do not have an ability to hurt anything in this world. It's not you. You broke my heart, Rain. Unintentionally. It's what you did. But you did not hurt me."

Seemingly confused, she asked me, "What difference did it make? And didn't my calling you a womanizer on national TV hurt you?"

"It did, but you were mad at me. I made you mad at me. I hurt you when I left. You broke my heart when I broke your heart. It was my fault. I had it coming. That's the difference, Rain," was my answer.

Rain waved her arms in frustration. "But I didn't fight for you enough. Do you remember when you asked me to fight for you? I told you I can only give you what I can and you have to deal with it. I felt like... I felt like our breakup was my fault!"

She is crying now and I hate it. I hate it more that I wanted to touch her, to console her, but I can't, because it will make the situation worse. I no longer have the right to touch her. Mart already claimed that right.

"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your mom's fault. It was mine. I shouldn't have asked you to fight for me against your family."
"I didn't. You asked me and I didn't."
She's blaming herself too hard for something she had to do. I don't like it. Her pain is killing me.
"Exactly, Rain, you did the right thing. I was too selfish to even ask you of it. I put you in a bad place. I put you in a sad place."
"I put us in a sad place when I let you go, Jayden!"
Stunned, I stared at her. She's sad?
"Rain, I let go first." I whispered.
"Because I fought less." She whispered back.
"Because you had to."
"No, it's because I was afraid. Afraid to give it all."
She's right, but I still understand her. I didn't, but now I do. A person as loyal as Rain will never be able to turn her back from her family. When she loves people, she protects them. Hell, didn't I experience such warm protection? And wasn't I so stupid to give it all up because I was too much of an asshole to think of my pride more than the fact I had a great woman in my life?

"Rain, you have to know that I gave up on you not because you didn't fight for me. I only made you feel that way because I was mad at you, because I was mad at your mom for asking me to give up the only thing that made sense in my life back then. You. But the truth is... I left because I was scared I wouldn't be able to meet your expectation and your parents' expectation. I was the coward in the story, Rain, not you. So please do not ever think that it was your fault. It was mine. I'm so sorry."

I finally gave in to what I've been withholding myself from doing. I went near her. I went to hug her. She's still heavily crying, so I kissed her forehead and said what will probably break my heart all over again, "Let go of the past. Be happy with Mart, Rain. He deserves you more than I do."

After kissing her hair one last time, I left. It's tearing my heart apart that it's just now I found her and yet, there I was letting her go all over again.
The hardest things to let go are the ones which make us happy. And how ironic that those which make us happy are the ones we should be letting go, because it's just right to do so.