Once Again

Once Again (6)

“Cara?”

I hear my name as I walk down the hall, and spin around to see who said it. I immediately recognize the speaker. He may have grown a foot and a half, and his blonde hair is slightly darker, but there is no question that it is Owen.

After James, Owen used to be my next best friend. I know he was always jealous of how close James and I were, but I was always grateful that he never made a big deal of it. I don’t think he realized how much I valued him as a friend. While James was always there to have fun with and go on adventures with, Owen would sit silently for hours as I complained about something Allie did to bug me. We both loved scary movies, and would watch as many as we could get our hands on without our parents finding out.

So I am relieved to see him standing in the hallway behind me.

“Owen!”

“How have you been?” He asks, and I have no idea how to answer.

“Alright, I guess.” I say. “How have you been?”

“I’m good.”

We both pause, silent in the middle of the hallway, for a minute.

“I saw James the other day.”

“Yeah? Are you two still friends?” I ask, because I was always curious if the two of them would have been friends if it weren’t for me in the middle.

“We kind of drifted apart after you… disappeared or whatever. But he told me you were back in school.”

“Oh?”

“So I take it you had not reconnected with him before you came back.”

“No.” I answer. “I didn’t recognize him yesterday. And once I realized who he was he completely stormed out of the room. I don’t know what to do.”

“Just talk to him.”

“I can’t.”

“Oh come on, it’s James. You can talk to him.”

“It’s different now. It’s been years since I could say ‘It’s James’ and have it mean anything. He hates my guts, and he’s justified.”

The warning bell rings. “Cara, please promise me you’ll talk to him.”

Even after three years, Owen’s pleading voice is enough to convince me to do just about anything.

“I’ll try. I promise.”

He gives me a look, and then leaves me standing in the hallway to think about what just happened. I think about it for thirty seconds and then realize I am going to be late to class.

When I get to chemistry, I attempt to take Owen’s advice.

It does not work.

James will not speak to me. He occupies his side of the table and I occupy the other and the Berlin Wall occupies the space between us.

I approached him before class started, hoping we could talk, and I could ask if we could start over and forget the awkward moment where I asked who he was yesterday. No such luck. He does not want anything to do with me.

“I’m so sorry, James. I don’t know what exactly I am apologizing for, but I am sorry. I truly am. Please say something.”  He ignores me. He sits down and pulls out his phone. I am forced to sit down next to him, as, just like earlier in the week, there are no other open seats.

I ask if he wants to work together on a worksheet, but he doesn’t answer.  After ignoring me for a few minutes, he pulls his seat over to another table. I would simply ignore his departure as a justified desire to work with friends if it weren’t for the glare he’s given me several times. (And the blatant silent treatment)

I understand that he was probably surprised yesterday when I showed up at his school, and that he is likely still upset with me for cutting him out of my life three years ago, but I thought that he would have calmed down overnight.

I don’t want us to be best friends again, or any friends, but I had hoped for at least civil acquaintances. I know it’s selfish and ridiculous to expect James to pretend like nothing happened. Still. I can feel myself becoming slightly angry with him as well.

By the end of the class period, my guilt, anger, and hurt feelings have merged. When the bell rings, I throw my things into my backpack and hurry out of the room, determined not to hurt James anymore, nor allow him to hurt me.