Once Again

Once Again (28)

I felt grossly unprepared to take the driving exam, and I feel grossly unprepared to drive on my own.

Each second that passes without the sound of a siren or the sight of flashing lights takes me by surprise. I keep expecting a cop to pull up behind me and arrest me for breaking some traffic law I didn’t even know existed.

Slowly, slowly, I begin to feel more comfortable. By the time I arrive at my dad’s office, I have gotten my speed up to the speed limit. I pull into the parking lot, but cannot find an available parking space that I feel confident about parking Connor’s SUV in. I drive slowly around the lot, finally deciding to head behind the building, where there are typically more empty spots with more room for error.

Sure enough, I find two adjacent empty spaces, pull the car into one of them, and put the car in park. I lean my head out the window to check that I am within the lines and once I see that I am, turn the car off. I take the keys out of the ignition, sit there for a moment to think about whether or not I am forgetting to do something and then, deciding that I’ve done everything that is involved in parking a car, I unbuckle my seat belt and step out of the car. I reach back inside and pick up the brown bag I was sent here to deliver.

As I begin to walk back around the building, I see a familiar car. It looks just like my dad’s car. It even has the same license plate holder engraved with his alma mater’s name. This is funny, or rather, unusual, because as a big hot shot in his company, my dad is entitled a reserved parking spot in front of the building entrance. It seems strange that he would forego that for a space back here.

As I walk towards the side of the building, I continue trying to determine if it really is his car.I notice that there are two heads inside. One dark haired, with streaks of grey, and one blonde. They are kissing. Their arms are wrapped around one another.

I don’t want to see any more.

I can’t move.

I can’t stop looking.

I can’t believe it.

My hand involuntarily lets go of the bag, and I hardly notice as the plastic container bursts and red soup splatters across the pavement.

My dad is sitting inside his car kissing a woman. The woman inside his car is not my mom.

My mom has dark hair. This woman has blonde hair.

My mom said she was going to dinner, and asked me to come here.

My dad said he had to work late.

Finally, I manage to uproot my feet. I turn, and sprint the 20 yards back to Connor’s car. I clumsily force the key into the lock and then into the ignition. I roar in reverse, grateful that there are not many cars nearby. I drive faster towards the exit of parking lot than I did on the way here.

I drive. I drive fast; I drive angry. My mind races as it tries to keep up with my vehicle’s speed.

I had just finally begun to think that I could get my life together. I have been getting along with Connor fairly well; he and I had a reasonably mature conversation this morning, and I actually feel like he cares about me and that we could become close like we used to be. My family has not really felt like a family since Allison died, but I never thought my dad would cheat, or do anything else to break apart our family.

Without a plan, I find myself on the on ramp to the interstate, disregarding the fact that I’ve never driven on an interstate before. I start to panic, but manage to control myself enough to merge into the right lane.

I figure out how to turn cruise control on, and then I just drive. I follow the signs towards Atlanta, towards my half-sister. Selena will fix this. She will know what to do.