>>Only Human<<

I'm Not That Girl

Author's Note: Woah. This song basically sums up Kate's feelings about Neo. Wow, is this ever perfect. Actually gave me major feels.
Ignore the "gold hair" and replace it with "dark hair" and BAM. You've got this whole story wrapped up in a song. Actually a bunch of Wicked songs really fit this story. Wow.
My poor OTP feels... :P
Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter!

I started to distance myself from Neo, as much as it made me sad to do.

I requested Coda and a tall, muscly man called Ezekiel to train me instead. It was going well, but I didn't make as much progress as I had with Neo.

He still sat next to me at meal times, but then again, he also sat next to Trinity.

I thought a lot about what Coda told me, about how Neo was going to lose someone close to him. Judging by the way he would hold onto her hand, I think we all had a feeling it would be Trinity.

I wished I could stop feeling. I'd been here a month, and everything he did made me care about him more. If I could stop being around him every day, stop seeing him, seeing that he loved somebody else, maybe I could be okay again.

But there he was at every meal with those stars in his eyes, looking at Trinity, who obviously loved him back.

I tried telling myself he wasn't that great, saying that anything I felt was a lie.
Don't remember how he kissed your head. Don't remember how he held your hand.

***

Ezekiel wasn't a drunk, but he was close. Everyone knew he loved his drinks. Luckily, he was a funny drunk, the type to give and hugs and tell jokes that didn't make sense.

When I wheeled out for training, Zeke was sitting with a small metal cup in hand. He took a long swig of it.

"Mm?" He offered, mouth full.

I really considered it. I took the cool cup from his hand and took a sip.

It burned the back of my throat like gasoline and I gagged, trying not to spit it out. I never was much for drinking; I never liked the taste.

Ezekiel swallowed and looked over at me.
"Usually people don't accept a drink from me unless there's somethin' buggin' 'em. What's buggin' ya, sister?"

"Wheelchair crap and Neo Anderson," I shrugged, passing the cup back to him.

"Neo?" Ezekiel laughed, "What did he do to ya?"

"Loved someone else," I admitted. I could tell Ezekiel this. He'd probably forget I ever told him. He thinks he made up most things anyway, especially when he drinks.

Ezekiel worked his strong jaw a bit, and scratched at the back of his head, fingers finding the little port covered by short brown hair.

Then he broke into laughter. "You like Neo, huh?" He sounded like a schoolgirl who found out some new gossip. It actually made me laugh.

"Yeah, and he loves someone else,"

Ezekiel took a drink, "yeah... he's a love.... in love... A lover. The kid's a lover."

He was fumbling with his words a little bit and laughed at how his mouth couldn't seem to get it out.

"Well here's to lost love, here ya go," Ezekiel handed back the cup, "Down the rest of it, it's yours."

I tipped back my head and finished the drink, burning the back of my throat again, choking on the alcohol, but almost liking it. I never got how people could drink that stuff very often.

But maybe I should. Maybe I should spend some more time with Ezekiel, share some drinks, and forget Neo for a while.

So I did.

I spent the next 2 weeks avoiding Neo and drinking with Zeke. I never got drunk, I just took a sip or two because I couldn't stand the stuff, but it became our thing. After dinner, I drank with Zeke.

But even avoiding talking to Neo, I couldn't avoid his presence.

He was squatting by a chair that Trinity was at, and he looked gooood. It was annoyingly distracting to look at the curve of his butt in those pants, almost like he was trying to get my attention by wearing them.

Drinks with Zeke. Think about all those things you told him. You're done with Neo.

I wasn't done with Neo. I could still feel the firm grip of his fingers and the soft pressure against the top of my hair. I could still feel that sickening swoop that my heart did whenever he was around me.

They say it can take 8 seconds to fall in love with someone. I used to deny it, but now I had been around him for about a month. I think it's safe to say that I actually did love him.

I will never say these words out loud. But I love Neo Anderson.

I liked to imagine what it would be like to be with him.

Like actually with him. Not just the sexy stuff, though honestly I thought of that every once in a while and ended up wanting to hit myself in the face with a wrench.

But no, I didn't just want the attractive face and body. When I say I loved him, I wanted all of him. His flaws, his imperfections, the scars and moles and freckles and dimples, the ports on his skin.

I wanted him in and out of The Matrix. His skills, his confidence, his fears, his heart, his mind.

It only hurts more when I think of how perfectly imperfect he is. I'm not the girl he loves. That Girl is beautiful, strong, clever, and kind, inside the Matrix or not.

I'm not that girl.

I'm the one in the chair.

I'm the one who is so dependent on someone else, I still need Trinity to help me get my pants on. I hated it.

I'm the one who wants to go take another drink with Ezekiel to forget it. Wait it out, bide my time, pretend he was in love with me.

***

Loving Neo Anderson is like admiring the sunset, you don't expect the stars to love you back.

***
(That last quote is from Doctor Who, I couldn't help but put it in here because it's so fitting)