Divine

Part 22: Keitorin

Sometimes I think of my sister and what she meant by her last words.

It was when I was twirling in the falling snow and thinking of my sister that he found me, shuffling his feet to stand near me.

I'll twirl in the falling snow and think of her because it's her favorite season.

"I know we didn't exactly get to break up properly."

I'll wonder why she couldn't trust me but I'll remember my boyfriend's last words.

I stop twirling to look at him, "We didn't."

I'll remember her reason for breaking up with her boyfriend and I'll remember her bloodshot eyes and sleepless nights.

"I want to say I'm sorry."

I'll remember finding her dead for the very first time but the smile on her face.

"You don't have to apologize."

I'll remember watching her shake and jerk for the last time still wearing a smile on that sweet face and that word.

"But tell me something."

Happy?

"What?"

Did she ever think about us, her family, in her happiness, in these moments when she decided to die, when she was dreaming?

"Did you like her?"

I hope she's actually happy.

"Who?"

Not lying to herself.

Without skipping a beat, she says, "My sister."

Not crying herself to sleep at night or murdering people in her insomnia.

Blinking rapidly, he remains silent.

Not searching for a bag of drugs labeled Wonderland.

"Just tell me."

Not leaving me behind.

"I'm sorry."

She'd always been more than just my twin.

"Just tell me what I want to know."

She'd been with me through all the hard times but where had I been when she needed me?

"I used you."

Anywhere but where she needed me most.

"Just tell me."

Everyday I hoped to see her again but I knew, I always knew.

"I loved her."

But sometimes I wished her dead.

Trying to calm my feelings of betrayal, I turn away, "You don't have to apologize."

And felt like she deserved it but I hated it.

He didn't touch me but I knew he wanted to as he whispered the words, "Good-bye."

But where's my Wonderland when I need it?