The Girl

THIRTY-THREE: CECILIA AND THE SATELLITE

"How can a face change when a heart knows fear, through all the things my eyes have seen, the best by far is you..."

SONG: CECILIA AND THE SATELLITE
ARTIST: ANDREW MCMAHON

Our one-year anniversary present was a baby. Jack and Celeste had their daughter (much to Celeste's dismay, but made Jack fifty dollars richer—a bet he had made with Luke as soon as they found out Celeste was pregnant) and spent three months with her before deciding that it was time to go on their honeymoon. Brianna lay on her stomach with my niece and kept making faces at her.

"I don't think that's helping," I spoke over the Noah's wails. Brianna took Noah in her arms and began bouncing her on her knee, running her hands over her back and hummed in content at the fading sounds coming from the baby.

"Come sing to her," Brianna ordered and beckoned me toward her. I put the furniture catalog we had been looking at before Noah began crying and crawled over to the two girls sitting on the floor. "She likes it when you sing."

I sat down beside Brianna and leaned my head on her shoulder. "Noah doesn't even know what I'm fucking doing. She just likes being the center of attention."

"Sometimes I feel like I gave birth to her," Brianna laughed and handed me Noah. I kissed the top of her thin stranded head and sighed. "What if we did have kids?"

"Babe, you can't make grilled cheese without burning it,"

"You think I'm going to keep our kid inside of my womb for too long?" Brianna asked, a little offended. I smiled and leaned over to kiss her, feeling her frown remaining on her lips. "Or you don't want kids?"

"Of course, I want kids," I told her, frowning myself now. "Babe, I'm the one that wants it all with you. I want the white picket fence, I want the wedding and your beautiful white dress, I want kids and a dog—What the fuck kind of question was that?"

"It was just a question, Luke," She scowled and stood to her feet. "Stop getting me in trouble for everything. I'm not your kid."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm going to put Noah down for bed."

I moved away from her and started toward the nursery. Noah smacked her tiny lips together and yawned, looking at me with big brown eyes. Her hands curled into fists and her eyes began to close and I got very scared for a moment.

I didn't know what a future with Brianna meant. Did it mean complete obscurity? Would I have to keep wondering what was going to happen? Right now, going every day and wondering what the hell was going to happen between us was liberating—I guess youth made it seem like a good thing. But now that I'm thinking about the future and wanting so much, I feel like I'm going to be asking for a lot. I didn't want to be that person, at least not with Brianna who wanted stability more than anything.

Brianna was sitting on the couch with her back pressed against the arm. She was texting with an angry look on her face and I didn't say anything, just crawled in between her legs and took her phone away, locking it. She gave me a blank stare as I kissed her forehead and then her mouth.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled as she wrapped her legs around my waist. "Seriously, I'm so sorry."

Brianna sighed and ran her fingers through my hair. "I know I'm really unpredictable but—Luke, you're the only other man in my life that has had a stable relationship with me," I placed my hand on the couch's arm, steadying myself. "And I want to be with you as long as I can. My future isn't really something I thought about until now because—Well, I saw Noah and you and—I'm just really in love with you."