Dreaming Backwards

(Ch 1)

"So Trinity is lil Reggy really gone?" She asked like this event hadn't just taken place 3 days before. "Yes Jay he's gone " I say back matching her tone of voice. "well damn! You act like I killed him." She says flopping back into her spongebob sleeping bag. I say nothing back because making Jay angry is like waking up a wild beast. So I turn my attention back to the television but my brain is still suffocated with thoughts. If I did something different would he still be here? If I had checked on him like my momma asked would we have caught the problem before it took affect? If I knew CPR could I have breathed the breath back into his unfunctional lungs? Should that had been me laying there lifeless instead of her first born child? Who's life had more value? I asked myself mentally. For my 9 year old brain to go through this tragedy was it even worth being alive to see through to the end? All I could think of is death. My emotions had turned into atoms and my tears into dust. My brain drowning and my heart flooding. My eyes heavy with sleep and my soul pouring with guilt. " It's all my fault.. "it's all my fault was the only thing I kept repeating.
I sit at our family dinner table and look around. I see smiles and deep love we share for each other. My table sits black and white ,young and old. Hurting and hiding. We are all fighting a battle nobody knows about. But when we sit down and become one those fears disappear. That pain no longer takes over. It's not until we stand and walk away that the pain we left in the air comes back. It hits us like a brick. We have now stepped back into reality. A place that is hard for us all to live in. The only thing holding us together is the ones that sit around us. The ones we pick fights with and send angry glares to. The ones we kick secretly under the table because their legs are too long. The annoying person that sits next to you and elbows you every once and a while. Our table is the place where we become naked by venerablity. A place of no judgement and creativity. I take one last glance around our giant family table and say to myself. "This is why I chose to stay."