Dreaming Backwards

(Ch 5)

Dear Daddy,

I would start this letter with a Hello like it is a formal conversation, but i can't recall the last one we actually had. Most of these questions and comments should be said face to face but you don't deserve to see how strong but broken I am.  You don't deserve to see the beauty and independence glazed in my eyes. , Because you did'nt make this, all you did was create this.  This letter is a letter of closure, so i can be at peace with myself. To better understand the pain behind the fake smiles and lack of self love. To better estimate the time where i felt i became nothing   I've learned a lot from your absence in my life. There will always be a part of me that is a girl with daddy issues, a girl who will only make all of her relationships harder , the girl who is the hardest to love
those words only make me what i am, not who i am. I don't let your absence define me. I was taught to be stronger then that. Yes the lack o your of presence caused many holes that no one could ever possibly fill. But not having you there only made me stronger. Many can easily say that but not many can act on it It took me a while to actually notice my strength,  i was just used to taking the compliment. That i was one of the strongest young person many adult has ever meet. . I've learned to live and love. But i could never contract the sense of acceptance. I can't thank you because the only thing you did for me was give me life. I'm not saying im ungrateful because then that would make me just like you. I just know now that i am better then just a sperm donors  daughter.     A providing Father deserves a thank you. Because real Men should be appreciated for what they do. Don't get me wrong not providing for your kids doesn't make you anymore or less of a "real" man. You just don't earn that title to me, you get a I appreciate you award.Many things i've experienced and taught myself many have nothing to do with you, but they seem to all to reconnect to your absence.  You were once the combination to my safe, the key to my storage locker, the secret in my diary. But with every new Man you slowly lost that place in my heart, in my mind and dreams. I could possibly never understand what happened between you and my Mom but honestly that had nothing to do with me.  Ya'll relationship may have been hard but letting ya'll problems come in between  an innocent child is something only an expert could explain. The thought of never being good enough came from someone or something. It was always a hidden fear that i had, a wound that had never been opened until now. Beauty is in the eyes  of the beholder but how could i see my beauty if my eyes where clouded with lies and insecurities.  i can't blame it all on society and social media because that was only the icing to the already iced cake.  But go on ahead and take a bow because job well done. You taught me something without having to try. Trying to explain the difference between a Man and a boy could never have ever been explained in a better way. It took me years to accept the fact that i let another man pick up your broken pieces, I became somebody's princess, his angel.  You let that happen so i guess i can thank you for something. i became a daughter that a father was  afraid to lose. Many say i deserve it but i could never actually believe that.  I am blinded by the disgusting thoughts of worthlessness that i forget how to value me and my worth. I write to explain the pain, the words deep and the meaning real. The pain that has shaped me , shaped me in ways that took me years to understand. i wasn't the daughter of your dreams so i became somebody else shining  star.  I wish there was a method to this here madness but raw feelings could never have a true method. I said what i had to say with no fillers added. 

Sincerely, Abbigail