Keep Going

Chapter 1

          I was running faster then I've ever ran before. I knew I was trying to get away from something or someone but I didn't know who or what was after me. There was a clearing in the trees ahead of me and I was just hoping I'd make it there before whatever it was caught up to me. I burst into the opening and fell onto the grass covered floor trying to catch my breath. I stumbled back to my feet knowing I couldn't take to long to rest or I could very well die sooner rather then later. I saw a house off in the distance so I pushed myself again just to make it there. I ripped open the door and busted in and slammed the door close behind me. I ran up the steps and went into the first door I found. I closed the door and leaned against it sliding down and pulling my knees to my chest. I finally had time to breath and think. That's when it happen. "You never really cared about me till I died. You showed that when we fought. You knew it'd affect me badly. I bet you hoped I'd take all those pills. You're the reason I did it. Always remember that." My dad's voice echoed around me. I looked hoping to see him but I didn't see anything. Just me in a room all by myself. "You're wrong! I loved you!" I yelled back into the air knowing he heard me. " That wasn't what you said that night. something liked you hated me. That's exactly what you said." He laughed menacingly. "You never liked me and that was obvious. I tried to be good to you and you never really cared." Now it was my grandfather speaking again from the air. " You're wrong too! I was young. I tried to make both of you proud of me!" I put my head in my hands knowing that they wouldn't go away. "We will never be proud of you and we want you to remember that." Papaw said. Hearing him say that hurt as if I was stabbed in the heart. "You'll be just like that no good mother of yours." Dad said and all I could do was curl up in a ball and lay there listening to their words knowing that this is exactly what they think of me. Knowing I was once was their little princess but now was nothing but a disappointment. 

          I woke up breathing heavy and sweating even though my room was freezing. The clock said three A.M. I laid staring at my roof knowing I wasn't going to go back to bed and needing something to take away from the pain. I know now that what I was running from in my dream was my past and it goes to show that it'll always catch up. I walked over to my window and climbed onto the roof. I was cold in my shorts and hoodie but I needed the fresh air. I pulled a cigarette out of the pack I grabbed off my nightstand. I lit it and took a long drag enjoying the dark and feeling it conceal me. By the time I was done with the cigarette I was shaking from the cold so I climbed back down and into my house. I walked down to the kitchen and grabbed one of the many bottles of vodka my mother had on the counter. I started drinking straight from the bottle. I'm not sure I even like the taste as much as the effect it has but either way I get the escape and that's all I want. I started to feel the effects taking place in my head as I head up the stairs. I was heading to the bathroom, I knew what was next. This became somewhat of a cycle. I'd have a bad dream wake up and need my "friends." It didn't always follow this order but it always ended the same. The razor. 

          It started off with little cuts here and there around eighth grade when I started being made fun of. I couldn't take the constant hatred from everyone, including myself. I hated myself more then anyone knew. I hated how I looked how I acted and most of all I hated the fact that I never saved my dad. I contributed to his death the night I told him I hated him. He reminds me of that in my dreams almost nightly. Eventually though those small cuts wouldn't do it. I needed the physical pain to take away from all the things I bury. I needed to take my anger out on someone and why not the person that deserved it. The person that caused all the pain and suffering to everyone? I drank more vodka and grabbed the blade. I sliced into my skin on my thighs barely feeling it. The blood was dripping on the floor as I switched spots to my other leg. Then my upper arms. I started feeling woozy and could't keep going. I dropped the blade feeling tears slid down my face and all I could do was stare down at the bathroom floor while blood was dipping all over me. I didn't feel much besides emptiness.

          I guess I must have passed out because I woke up in the bathtub with dry blood on me and a raging headache.I stripped off my clothes and showered the blood off. I then cleaned up the floor. I walked to my room feeling my headache and all my cuts way better then when I was being so self-destructive. I got dressed in blacked ripped skinny jeans and my black Nirvana hoodie. I tied my conversed and grabbed my keys. I walked out slamming the door behind me. I knew I was going to be late for first period but I didn't care. I got in the car and tuned on my Green Day CD. I stopped and bought me some meds and Starbucks before finally going to school. I made it right as the bell rang for first to end. I walked to second and sat in my normal seat by my best friend Bryson. "Over sleep? You look like shit. You okay?" I looked him in the eyes and smiled, "I'm good buttercup. How was first?" "Well Jaz considering you weren't there.. Pretty fucking boring. I also didn't turn in the work beside well I didn't do it" He said sticking is tongue out at me. I laughed knowing damn well he didn't do his shit and wasn't able to copy mine. "You probably have a shit ton of messages by the way," He turned around and stared doing something on his phone. I grabbed my phone out of my back pocket along with my headphones and turned it on. Of course he was right I did.   KATIE: Where the hell are you and are you okay? Yup she's worried. ME: Yes. I'm fine. Over slept. I plugged my headphones in and started listening to blink-182. Knowing this day was going to feel as if it'd never end.

          I went through second and third period with no problem and was entering fourth when someone bumped into me really hard and I dropped all my books. "What the hell moron watch where you're going!" I yelled fighting the pain in my arm while squatting down to pick everything up. "Here I'll help you" I looked up to see Gage bending down to help with my books. "Thanks Gage." I took my books and started heading to class when he grabbed my arm."You're welcome. Hey we should try hanging out this weekend. Nothing relationship wise just friends." He smiled. I cringed because the pain in my arm keeps getting worse and I'm pretty sure that the cut has opened up. "Let go of me. Gage we didn't work out. We can be friends but I'm sure that you're not okay with just friends. So hanging out together probably isn't the best plus I just rather not. I'm super busy. Bye" I walked into class and sat down. I was starting to feel lightheaded from all this pain and I had to run to the bathroom before I puked all over the room. I sat in the stall and leaned against the wall. I took more meds and hoped the pain pasted soon. I got up and walked back into class. "Jasmine you're late." I looked up at Mr.Ball. "Yeah well didn't want to puke all over your room so I went to the bathroom. Next time I wont care so that I'm not "late" to your class." I sat down and laid my head on the desk. I ended up drifting off when all of a sudden BANG! "What the ever loving fuck?" I Yelled jumping awake. Mr.Ball was smiling over me. "No sleeping in my class and no cussing either. If I can't then neither can you. Now if I could get back to my lesson that'd be great" He tuned d walked back to the whiteboard and I sat there glaring till the end if class. As soon as that bell rand I was up and out the door. I got in my car and lit a cigarette. Turning my radio all the way up I left the school parking lot and started driving not quite sure where I was going.