Keep Going

Chapter 7

          I went home first and took a shower, I didn't even realized that I had reopened all of my cuts. I grabbed the razor. I needed more. I needed to drive all other thought out of my mind. I felt calm at the moment the water was hot and the pain was barley noticeable.I got out and felt really numb. I put my Green Day shirt and black rip skinny jeans on. On my way out I made sure to grab some of moms pills. I didn't even look when I took them but I realized that I grabbed a whole bunch of different ones. I slipped them in my pocket and got back in the car. I drove to the hospital. It didn't even seem like it took that long. It was raining and I was still crying. I made my choice and I was going to follow through with it. I turned on my radio and Wake Me Up When September Ends was just starting. It made me cry even harder.

          I got there and walked in. I went straight in my mothers room and found her sleeping. They had all these machines hooked up to her and I.V's going into her. She was still in critical condition and I knew she couldn't do somethings on her own still. I looked at her and knew what I was planing on doing was for the best. She wouldn't be able to do it on her own so I had to give her that extra push. I was just hoping my instincts were correct about what she'd want since she's never just told me. I walked over to her and stared down at her. I went to push the hair behind her ear and that's when she woke up. "What are you doing here?" I just stared at her for a couple of minutes. "Do you hate living?" I couldn't look away. I knew this answer meant everything and how the next step of events were going to play out. "Yes, I miss your dad and I should have been a better parent. I'm sorry and I truly love you even though I don't always show it the best way. However I could never harm myself. I don't like pain. Why?" This was the first time in years I've ever seen my mother clean. "Mom I love you. I always have. Would you like me to end it all?" She looked really confused but then her eyes got huge once she realized what I was asking. "No baby girl I could never leave you alone.Plus you'd end up in jail." I felt a tear slid down my face. "Mom I'll never be alone and no I won't I promise mama I'll be gone before anyone catches me." I smiled at her with tears sliding down my face. This was the end and we both knew it. Could I do this? Then I thought about all the shit she put me through and knew that I could because I'd be destroying the evil in her also.

          The tears instantly stopped and with it so did the emotions. "I need to know, now. You asked me to not leave you so either you say yay or nay but I'm leaving after this."I took a step towards the door to leave. "Wait I don't want to be left alone." I looked at her and waited for her to finish. "Please don't leave me alone." She had tears in her eyes threatening to spill over. My heart had hardened though and I didn't care much. "What about all the times you left me alone? What about all those times I had to rescue you from dangerous situations? You're alive because of me and I wish I could've saved the other parent. You fucked up my life and yet here I am giving you one last chance for me to do what you want. Make a choice or I'll make mine." I stared at her knowing that my escape would be closing soon if she didn't decided now. "Jasmine I'm not ready to die yet. I'm going to get help and I hope you stick around to see my transformation." She smiled sadly at me knowing all to well that I wouldn't. I turned around. "See ya" I walked out and away from her knowing I'll never see her again.

           I drove to the cemetery and parked the car. I sat under my favorite tree knowing I had one last thing to do before I left. I facetimed Casper. She answered and looked so happy. "Hey dork bout time i heard from you. We got home safely. How ya been?" She finally took a paused and waited for my response. "I'm okay. Just wanted to tell you to be strong kiddo and that I'm so proud of you. I'll always care for you." I smiled one last time "I love you." I ended the call before she said anything else. I looked up at the clouds. "Look father if you're up there just know I've tried but I'm done." I took the handful of pills the grabbed before leaving and swallowed them all and took my razor out and sliced my wrists again. As deep as possible and multiple times. It didn't take long before I was gone. Everything went dark and cold. I heard a scream but it was to late to save me. I finally left all the pain and suffering behind and could be left in peace.