Shopping with Harry's mother was a delightful affair, as Louis had discovered their shared sense of fashion.
During the car ride home, Harry's sexuality was brought up again.
"You know, it would be so easy if you just admitted to being gay already, because your mum loves me."
"Louis, I'm not gay." This specific conversation topic never failed to colour Harry's cheeks, Louis had noticed.
"Sweetie, if you want people to actually believe you, you need to lay off the constant denial. A real straight person would just laugh it off like a joke." Anne chimed in, smiling, from the driver's seat.
"What are you talking about, a 'real' straight person? I am a 'real' straight person."
Louis just laughed; Harry was so deluded.
"Isn't it getting a little stuffy in that closet? Hurry up, Harry; we're waiting."
His green eyes were misted with confusion, and Louis sighed.
"Listen, Harry. I know you're really puzzled as to why I keep saying this... But, trust me. Just admit it to yourself; everything will be so much easier."
He paused.
"I was in denial before I met River. They opened my eyes; I'm gay, and that's perfectly fine."
Louis sighed again, looking down- immediately regretting the decision as carsickness washed over him.
"River?" Harry questioned, pity already booming in his expression.
Louis gagged before responding.
"I guess it's time I told you about River."
-
"River is the first person I truly fell in love with. We'd been best friends since childhood; it took me 5 whole years to finally fall for this fascinating person whom always greeted me with their middle finger.
Then River realised they were nonbinary. I remember helping them pick a new name- and I suggested something that sounded like 'pickle', and they said that everyone would stop being friends with them if they had such an ugly name, and I accidentally blurted out that I'd loved them for so long, it really didn't matter to me.
They took a while, but eventually we went on a date and, further along the track, fell in love. When they were still indecisive about our relationship, they used to say that their life was flowing crazily but steadily, like a river. And then it hit me. River. So I suggested it and they loved it so much they cried; a new name had been decided.
Adrian was no more.
The day River died couldn't be described as anything but unexpected.
It was bright daylight, and the sun behind their head looked like a halo while they lay limp in my arms. I don't believe in God, but I prayed and prayed in my head as our eyes never left each other's. I prayed, asking this stupid man in the sky why this had to happen; why River?
On the day of their funeral, I threw a photo of us together and a photo of River greeting me from the other side of the park with their iconic middle finger into the grave hole. River told me that they wanted to be cremated, but no one listened to me because I was just some depressed kid suffering in the background; and so they were submerged into an afterlife of tight spaces- something they hated.
My one source of closure. My escape.
The most beautiful person in the world in my eyes.
I guess we should never have gone into the woods, but River needed air. It was so unfair, the bullet came from nowhere and my tears were the last thing to touch their face and my hand was the last to hold their own and my voice was the last they heard and it was so unfair.
Every single day I wonder why.
River was amazing, they never hurt anyone, they were loved and they loved.
Why?"
Louis sighed and finally let a tear slip from its sheath.
-+-
Harry had never heard a sadder story in his entire fucking life.
If you exclude the frequent dry reaching caused by carsickness, the retell was incredibly deep and emotional and inspiring and heartbreaking.
Louis was so tiny and fragile, and Harry wanted nothing more than to grab his small hand and squeeze it; so he did.
This wasn't gay, this was comfort.
It wasn't gay, but when Louis leaned over and kissed him quickly on the cheek, his heart started racing and a strange, giddy feeling arose in his stomach that he'd never experienced with a girl before.
It wasn't gay.
"Louis, you're such a beautiful person," Anne's choked voice strained, breaking the silence.
"I'm so sorry. When we get home, I'll make some cupcakes and hot chocolate, okay? Then, we can talk about it more."
"Really, it's okay," Louis said softly, but Harry could tell it was definitely not okay.
He didn't really know what to say, but thinking about it wouldn't help. As the car pulled into the driveway and Anne exited the car, Harry stared at Louis.
"Harry, what did you feel?" He whispered. It was obvious what he meant.
"Uh- it was this weird feeling, like I was being tickled from the inside. You know when you go up really high on a swing? Well, it was the feeling you get when you're coming back down."
"Butterflies." Louis finalised, giggling like the little shit he was and opening the door.
"You've seriously never experienced them before? You're more gay than I thought," he mused.
-
Harry enjoyed having Louis around him all the time, though he would never say it.
Harry knew Louis had a huge crush on him, though, again, he would never say it.
Harry also had begun to realise that he admired Louis in a way that he had never admired anyone before.
Everything he did and everything he was floated in the middle; he was having some type of first world existential crisis and he didn't like it.
He felt that if he stuck with Louis, said floating void-ness would eventually disappear.
He didn't know why-perhaps, he never would-but something drew him to Louis. He felt safe, he felt loved, he felt everything he wanted to feel with Louis and it was making him happy.
Again, although he would never say it, Harry began to consider that, perhaps, he wasn't so straight, after all.
i'm sorry this is bad and short and i took 7 years to post it i'm sorry
i hope u had a vvv wonderful day/night i love u bye ((:
-taco
