Voices Off Camera

six - fickleness

It was slightly unsettling coming to terms with the fact that I was somewhat excited to go to school on this Monday morning . Over the weekend I had transitioned into a new person and wondered how that would play out in school grounds. Or perhaps it would be better described as the same person with the record of doing some new things. Would I be kissing Jess at school? Who knows. I hoped that the amount of time I spent with Lanie during the party would give me the confidence to talk to her more than just briefly. But I would not let all of these things contribute to the loss of the old, quiet, obscure me. He would still remain. I pulled on another pair of ripped jeans. They were all I wore to school, really as baggy clothes prevented my peers from noticing the amount of weight I had lost. Today I would try not to feel ashamed of my the way my body looked. I threw on a plain white t shirt and tied a black hoodie around my waist. I tried not to pay attention to the fact that besides my height, my body resembled that of a preschooler in the way it was small. I was lucky that I could quit football before the season started back up again, the boys on the other teams, with bodies blown up to monstrous dimensions by the probable help of steroid-like substances would beat my meagre figure until it was no longer. I wanted to eat but whenever I did the same little voice in my head told me: if you eat that, you'll be fat - no girl is ever going to want you if you eat that. You eat that, and you'll spend the whole day feeling guilty for it. Your brain sees an apple, a healthy food rich in vitamins - my brain sees 60 calories that I need to burn off.

What I expected to happen the moment I entered the school gates, I did not know. I met the dream team crowded around Joel's locker. They greeted me immaturely. Oooh, Jessica some chanted while the others asked intimate questions far reaching to absurd levels such as What kind of bra was she wearing? I rolled my eyes and told them to stop, but I was happy. They all quietened down immediately, I huffed at this - I didn't want to be treated Like a new person just because of one kiss. But then I realised that they hadn't quietened down because of me. I followed their gaze over my head and turned around. There was Jess, and there was I flushing a dark pink in the cheeks.  But there was no need for embarrassment, her warm smile told me so. She stepped towards me and put her hands on my waist like she had done on Saturday, standing on her toes to give me a kiss on the cheek. She was much shorter than me, I had realised.

"Come for a walk," She said, her fingers interlocked mine and we walked in the opposite direction. I turned my head back at my friends and smirked at their expressions of disbelief.

What did it mean, to have somebody kiss you and hold your hand in public within 3 days of knowing you? Did she want me as a friend? Was she waiting for me to ask her to be my girlfriend? It had all happened so fast, leaving me no time to think about what I truly wanted. In my head the past events involving her had seemed a bit unrealistic to me, like a big practical joke. Although I knew it wasn't I was still of unaware of how I wanted the relationship between myself and Jess to play out. For the first time since I had fallen in love with Lanie those many years ago I felt as though it was finally time to undergo the burdensome task of trying to get over her. However my mind constantly thought of the strange phone call that I had received from her on the weekend and the lack of explanation provided with it. It had turned me off her,if anything. Although I knew I was still in love with Lanie I found that my frequent encounters with Jess had resulted in the development of an unexplained feeling towards Lanie, like hatred almost, or strong dislike rather. Whenever my brain wandered back to Lanie as it always did that same emotion would overcome my body and leave an aftertaste of something that resembled a mixture of disgust, love, hatred and longing all intwined into one. I had a crush on Jessica Turner, that was certain - and it had occurred to me that the strange feeling I had developed for Lanie was just the fear that my strong love for her would interfere with that crush. It was a weird feeling, wanting the girl you love to go away and wanting the girl you have a small crush on to take her place.