My Journal: Simple Thoughts

Is it worth it?

December 31, 12:30 am

I felt hot tears stream down my face, I herd the sob escape my mouth. I felt my eyes open to a dark room. I felt alone.

Why? Why am I here? Why can't they stop..why can't he stop? Why don't people understand what's it's like?

My nightmares have taken over my life, 3 years ago they weren't bad. But now, I'm struggling with them. Every night, it's the same dream. I have told my counselor about all of this, but what he said, didn't help.

Trying to calm my sobs down, I sat up. The blanket that was covering me fell to my lap, I crossed my legs. I some how calmed my sobs down and looked into my dark unless room. I swallowed the lump in my throat, I can do this. I will fight with fucking blood on my hands everyday to show the world what I am.

No one will ever love you, you piece of shit. Rick snarled, I chocked a little bit when hearing that.

Leave her the hell alone! She's worth every penny in this world! My subconscious, Cathy, yelled at Rick. Rick...

He's right...I thought. He's always right..why am I even here?

Yes, why are you here Bella? Rick played along. Cathy was no longer there, I think. I was Cathy any way..she was me, and I was her. I argue with myself a lot.

Every one has always told you to go away. When you were in school..they didn't want to be near you, you're sick. No one would want you...ever. It was your fault your grandmother hates you, it's your fault I even did what I did.

Air become hard to breath...I gasped as I felt big, chunky, wet tears fall. I bit my lip to cause all this pain to stop. I felt blood fill my mouth, not good enough. I looked around my room until I spotted a pair of scissors. I grabbed them and held them to my wrist. One cut..that's all.

Pain. Pain was every where. In my head, my stomach, and my throat. It felt like being stabbed slowly by a dagger. No one cared, no one under stood who I was. What I am. No understood how hard it is to be me! Why don't they see!? Why doesn't some see how I am.

Shaking, I was shaking. Terribly. I took the scissors and held it to my stomach, right at the edge. God, please forgive me for what I'm about to do...

Slowly breathing, I started to push. But then something lite up, my tablet. I look at it to see a notification, a text message from a friend.

Hey, can't sleep. I read, I placed the scissors down and picked the tablet up. I slowly opened it and pressed the iMessages.

Me too.. I wrote back.

He didn't text back. I pressed my home button and was about to turn it off when I saw Wattpad.

I pressed and I started to write..letting everything flow out. If you are reading this...I don't know. I have no idea..I don't have normal teenager girls thoughts like am I pretty?No I have, No one will ever like or love you. You're screwed up everything. You're not pretty, you have a horrible body and you will never be loved. You are a screw up and that's all they will ever see.

No one understands...is it worth it? Is someone out there? Is someone out there for me? Just a little hope...just a spark. I cry every night...just someone that will take a little time out their day to ask what's up? Or how are you doing?

I sound like a teenager..but it's hard. I just sometimes just want to leave...be at peace. I want someone who will tell me it's okay..that's it's all going to be okay. Why me? Why did it have to be me that he chose?! Why?! What did I do?!

Somebody...anybody..

December 31, 12:35