The Devil Child

Chapter Fourteen

 Tanner Higgins had not always hated the word gay.

In fact, as a child, Tanner's mother had a girlfriend, and Tanner remembered a time when he found it perfectly normal. His mother having a girlfriend didn't bother him, nor did he find it strange.

It was a part of his life.

Tanner didn't know his father very well at this time. Tanner had been a mistake and a regret. Not that his mother regretted him after he was born, but she was not thrilled to be pregnant with a baby when the father was a rapist.

But Tanner didn't know this. His mother spoke about his father viciously and callously, but Tanner just thought she hated him for leaving her. He imagined that his father was a mysterious man with fangs and horns and just overall evil.

When Tanner's mother died, and Tanner lived with his father, he realized that his father wasn't the monster Tanner believed him to be. Sure, he was strict and cold, but he didn't have pointed devil horns.

When his mother died, Tanner was angry at the world. Angry because he wasn't allowed to live with Priscilla, his mother's girlfriend. Angry because the world took his favorite person away. Angry because his mother left him too soon.

And Tanner's father knew this. Realized this. And so the man whispered one thing to Tanner during the funeral that changed the boy's life forever.

She's dead because she was gay, Tanner. Never forget that.

After that, Tanner's life became Church. His father had his entire life planned out for him, and every single afternoon, Tanner would go to church after school. On the weekends, Tanner attended all the services. Not because he particularly loved church at this time, but because his father forced him to.

Tanner's life became church. It wasn't his choice nor his decision, but Tanner didn't hate it, either. He found enjoyment in the concept that his mother was in Heaven, safe and sound. Only, this thought didn't last very long after he learned that being gay was a sin, and that his mother was burning in the depths of Hell.

He began to hate Priscilla for turning his mother gay. He began to hate his mother for sinning. He began to hate everything about the childhood he once loved and accepted. But, as angry children often do, Tanner wouldn't listen to anyone and blocked everyone out.

He was confused. He was angry. He was obsessed with God and repenting for his sins.

His community saw his dedication as a young child, and praised him as he got older. He thrived at church. He thought he was doing the right thing.

And he wanted to save everyone. He wanted to make sure those who felt the urges to love the same sex were fixed, because he didn't want them to suffer in Hell like his mother currently was. He wanted to save them from a life cursed.

If only his methods weren't so twisted.

Tanner Higgins decided that being gay was the reason his mother was dead. That being gay was the reason his mother was in Hell. And he decided that those who were gay would destroy the world.

That was before he met Polly.

When he met Polly as a young child, he saw everything pure in her. And he was drawn to her, despite the age gap.

When he found out she was gay, he wanted to save her. He was desperate. He wanted to change her before it was too late, because he didn't want her to burn in Hell. He wanted her to go to Heaven.

Along the way, he also became emotionally involved in a girl he didn't have a chance with. But, how could he not? She was the embodiment of an angel, with natural blonde hair and clear skin. She was so innocent, so perfect, so lovely. Tanner couldn't help growing feelings for the girl. And when her parents called about his camp, Tanner was thrilled to have her. Was desperate to have her.

She was defiant. Wild. Out of control. But, he loved her. Loved the way she fought him. Loved the way her cheeks got red with anger. The more time he spent with her, the more he forgot saving her and the more he tried to get her to love him.

Because underneath it all, Tanner just wanted love. His mother, full of love and life, died when he was too young. His father didn't show affection. His lifestyle was independent and lonesome.

He wanted Polly. He wanted her in his arms, and wanted her to smile up at him warmly. He wanted her beside him at all times. And it grew into an obsession. He wanted her to look at him like he was the best thing that happened to her. He wanted her to draw him in her notebook.

He wanted love.

But, she was so stubborn. She didn't like him. Didn't like looking at him. And it angered him, because for once, he wanted one thing. And he couldn't have that one thing.

Tanner was scarred. He was messed up. He was sick and twisted.

But he loved Polly in the way that his mother loved Priscilla. He loved Polly in the way that those in romantic movies loved each other.

Tanner didn't have a chance. She left him before he could ever have her.

Tanner didn't always hate the word gay.

He wasn't the only child that grew up this way, either. Tanner knew plenty of children influenced by their parents. Because parents are those children look up to. Parents are who children mimic. Parents are role models. They are the person a child aspires to be.

Tanner wanted to be like his father. He wanted to please his father. He didn't have a choice as a child to follow his father's words.

And as an adult, Tanner could make his own decisions, sure. But he was too far gone. Too far down the rabbit hole to fix the path he was on. Because how can you stop something you've believed in nearly all your life? And how can you change your mind about something when you believe it killed your mother?

Tanner couldn't. He was still bitter. Bitter his mother was dead. Bitter that Polly didn't love him back because she loved girls. Bitter because he didn't want anyone else to burn in Hell but he didn't know how to correctly save them.

Tanner Higgins was bitter. The world didn't owe him anything, but he felt like he deserved at least happiness. Like a child who has grown up with an alcoholic parent, or like a child who has seen someone they love fail, Tanner didn't want to make the same mistakes that his mother made. He wanted to save everyone from the pain he felt.

His mother had died in a car accident. Nothing to do with who she loved. But, someone influential in Tanner's life told him at a young age that he needed to blame the gays. And so he did.

Tanner knew Polly hated him. Knew he made mistakes along the way. But, he wanted to make it up to her. He wanted to correct his wrong doings.

He was desperate to find her.

And he knew where he would search first.  

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