Him

24 2 1

by maxdomi

by maxdomi

Songs

I've Given Up On You (Real Friends)

Another You (Of Mice & Men)

Cemetery Weather (Isles & Glaciers)

Dynasty (MIIA)

You know it's really hard to pretend everything's okay when it's not. I mean putting a smile on everyday is fucking exhausting when all I want to do it curl up under my bed and hide away from my demons. But everyday I wake up, practice my smile and my laugh a couple times in the mirror and walk to the bathroom to get ready for the rest of the day.

I look at my family as I get downstairs and smile that oh so perfect fake smile I've perfected at my mother, "Good morning mom." She smiles back. 'Why can't she see me?' I think, 'can't she see how much pain I'm in?" Mom's are supposed to do that right? See your real emotions?

I sigh as I step out my door and out to face the world that I want to escape so badly.

And to think this all started 4 years ago because of a fucking guy. I laugh to myself. I'm so weak, I let a boy get to me. But I was only 14 and in love.

Fuck I always hate admitting that. That I was in love.

Well since I was only 14 people might say it wasn't love!!!!! But it was, oh it was and it was beautiful.

I used to wake up everyday with a smile on my face because I was so in love with him. I only listened to those cheesy love songs I have grown to despise all the time. I daydreamed, I genuinely laughed, my thoughts consisted of him, of us, together and being happy. I was so fucking in love with him.

Him.

Beautiful in every way.

I couldn't describe him even if I tired. And even when I see him today he still takes my breath away.

Oh how I wish I had acted on this love but he was something beautiful, something foreign that I craved and I was nothing compared to him. Just a little lovesick puppy. To him I was just a little girl who laughed at all his jokes and fed his stupid ego.

And I don't know how it ended. I really don't but it did and you left and I was there alone. People surrounding me but I felt so dead.

Life was miserable when you left. I couldn't breath, love, I couldn't do anything. I didn't enjoy life as much as I had when you were here with me. I stopped doing what I loved and just stayed to myself.

School was the only time I left my room. And at school I kept to myself because I felt fucking pathetic. I used to cry so hard that I wouldn't remember going to sleep and waking up and repeating the entire cycle again.

4 years have passed my love and things have changed. I try to believe that I am happier than I was. But the truth is I miss you so bad. I miss the way thing used to be, when I was happy and things were right.

I don't mean to put all the blame on you, my dear love, but you played a big part in the way I turned out to be.

And I know I say I hate you but I don't.

I love you, always have and always will.