Once Mine

14. A change is coming

Change; we don't like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. It hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here's the truth: Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is... everything.

- Grey's Anatomy

I had been awake for hours. I was watching my father as he sleeps on the couch. He looked so tired and so stressed. I was crying silently as I lay in my bed. My hands are both on that place where my little baby used to be. I haven't talked to anyone but I could feel the loss.

"Baby?" I wiped my tears when I realized that my father was awake and he was staring at me. I couldn't hide the tears anymore. Lumapit si Daddy sa akin. Inalalayan niya akong umupo sa bed at saka niya ikinulong ang mukha ko sa mga kamay niya.

"Baby..." He called me again. It had been a long time since he called me his baby. Haley is the baby now and I'm just his Little Hyan, and this means a lot to me. Yumakap ako sa kanya nang mahigpit. I needed strength and I know how much Daddy hates me for the truth but he's also the source of my strength now.

"You've been awake for a long time, bakit hindi mo ako ginising?" Tanong niya sa akin. I sobbed.

"My baby is gone, isn't he?" I wanted it to be a boy. I will raise him just like the way my parents raised me - despite of how I turned out - pinalaki naman nila ako nang maayos. It's just the choices I made that made me this person today.

Walang kasalanan ang mga magulang ko sa nangyari sa akin. I just... I sighed. Kasalanan ko ang lahat.

"He's in heaven. I'm sure your Lola Nanay is taking care of him already." Pagpapalubag sa akin ni Daddy. Lalo lang humigpit ang yakap ko sa kanya. I muttered my apologies. He kept saying that it's okay and that he was sorry too for what happened to me and his supposed to be first grandchild.

Sa kabila nang ito ay naaalala ko si Abelardo. Ngayon na wala na ang baby, anong sasabihin ko sa kanya? Noong huli kaming nag-usap ay binibilinan niya pa ako na mag-iingat palagi at kumain nang marami para sa baby 'namin'. He loved the monster so much that he actually calls the baby his. I know that he already told his family about the pregnancy, ano na ngayon ang mangyayari sa aming dalawa?

"Did you talk to Abel, Daddy?" I asked after he gave me a glass of water. "Where is mom?"

"Mommy is with the other half." Dad sighed. "He lost his memory by the way. The doctors said that he's suffering from retrograde amnesia. He jumped back to ten years ago."

I tried to recall if Hyron suffered a major hit - parang hindi naman. I just shook the thoughts away. Hindi ko naman malalaman kung anong nangyari habang hindi ko pa nakikita ang kapatid ko. Bukas ko na siguro siya haharapin. Gusto ko munang makipag-usap kay Daddy. I want to apologize to him for every decisions I made in my life these past few years.

"I was in love with him, Daddy. And it was awful to know that he's cheating on me for two years. I distanced myself Dad, you know that. They got married. It hurt me more. Then after six months, Juan and I saw each other at a party. I'm vulnerable. I' hurt and when he approached me, I took the bait and these all happened." I sighed. Mataman lang naman siyang nakikinig sa akin. Hindi ko nariringgan ng opinyon si Daddy. Nakahawak lang siya sa kamay ko. Alam kong sinusubukan niyang hindi magalit.

Tama naman siya kanina, ibinigay niya ang lahat sa akin. Pero ako naman ang sumira sa sarili ko. I remember Juan's famous excuse. I'm only human. Ngayon masasabi ko talaga na hindi sapat ang excuse na iyon.

I'm only human. I am expected to make mistakes, but as a human being - the Creator gave me a brain and a heart - the brain is located above the heart - that means something.