My Depression Story/Rant Book

7

Every day I wake up hoping for it to be a better day...but it's just like all the others. I'm alone, desperate for love and acceptance. But I gain noting. I go to bed hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. It's an endless cycle of praying and hoping but it's always the same.

I wake up and think to myself 'maybe today will be different?' I go to school and greet my "friends" but just like every other day I'm locked behind my emotions and will not for the life of me open up to anyone. I where a mask to hide my true feelings. God it was so hard at first, but now it's as easy as snapping my fingers.

I want to open up but I'm afraid of being accepted so I don't. I just sit in self hate and pray for death.

I love to be alone but I hate being lonely, ya know? I'm afraid that if I'm alone for too long I might do a bad thing...like cut, burn, or worse...

I can't wait to go back to school but at the same time I don't want to.

I want to because I'd be around people so I can't hurt myself.

But I don't want to go to school because I'd have to be social and I really don't like being social honestly.

I'm that one friend. You know what I'm talking about.

The friend that gets cut off from the conversation. The friend that has to walk behind the group if the sidewalk isn't big enough. I'm that one friend that doesn't get to hang out alot. I'm that one friend that if I want to go to the mall or some place with a friend I have to be the one to invite them. I'm that one friend that if I just disappear forever no one will notice or even care. I will always be that one friend.

Which is why I don't do anything so I stay home all day laying in bed or on my roof thinking.

Loneliness is a pain but you get used to it after a while. Which sucks...honestly.

I've gotten to the point in my depression where if u offend me or hurt me in some way I'd just say four of the worst words ever. "I'm used to it." And not express any emotion while saying it.

I just don't know what to do with my life any more. 🙁

I want to end it. Honestly who would care? Would anyone even acknowledge the fact that I'm gone? Would it matter?