My Depression Story/Rant Book

9

My depression is back...and it's worse..

So you know how when your in the car driving along a road while it's raining? And you suddenly drive under a bridge, but the moment the rain starts up again it's seems like it hits you harder...

Yeah that's how depression worked out for me..

So in the previous chapters of my depression story, I spoke of a friend of mine by the name of Alex.

Yeah....Alex....we were very close, we would talk about random stuff that popped into our minds and just laugh about it.  All the memories we had were so...under appreciated..

I appreciate every moment I spent with him, I do honestly. Because all those moments were moments I may never get again....

We stopped being friends...

Yes me and Alex, one of only two friends I have, have stopped being my friends...

Reason..?

So it all started about...say three weeks ago.

My grandmother called my tutor asking if I was ready for her to pick me up. I was, so she was on her way.

A little later, my tutor got another call from my grandmother...I didn't k ow what they spoke of, so I left it alone, not caring.

But..when she knocked on the door...I answered...

She barged through the door knocking me down and started to hit me..she started to hit me!! She was speaking in Spanish so that my tutor wouldn't understand. She said "Why didn't you finish all your work? What are you so slow? Why can't you be like Mong-Tham's kids?? They are always studying and they always get an A! Look at you! You always have B's and C's!!"

I ran out of there with my backpack, and climbed into the back seat of the car. I was crying. I was crying so hard, harder than I had in years..

My grandmother came in shortly after and continued to scream at me and compare me to my tutors kids. I didn't listen, I put my earbuds in and turned the volume all the way up, so I wouldn't have to hear her torturing words.

When we got home, I ran straight to my room, and started crying into my pillow. I had cried for at least an hour or two. But then I got a huge migraine from all the crying.

So, I took three Advil. But as I was about to put the Advil away...I thought about it....I thought 'Why don't I just finish the bottle? I'd be gone, and my grandmother wouldn't be disappointed anymore. She would finally be..free from the burden I am."

So...I took the rest which was 5, all together I took 8...

I was crying so much when I did it and more after. So I sent messages. I sent one to Alex, Maddie (Alex's sister), and a couple others at 1:38 am...

I tried to go to sleep...but I stomach started to hurt...so I threw up. I felt a lot better....only I had forgotten to tell Alex and everyone else that I was fine...

I woke up to 34 new messages and 4 missed calls...all from... Alex..

So I texted him

"hi..."
he responded within seconds..
"You had me fucking worring christina! I was about to call the cops"

Many many texts later

"oh and btw it was not attempted suicide this time i had a fucking migrane so i took some advil but then my stomach hirt sk i puked js gosh alex u need to stop jumping to conclusions. what im saying is that u shouldve talked to me before anyone else"

I was mad...i don't know why..but I was..so I burst..I was out of line when I said "jumping to conclusions" I understand that..Alex responded to this...and he was mad....really mad..

"JUMPING TO FUCKING CONCLUSION YOU ARE CRAZY OMFG I SAW YOUR TEXT. NO ONE TAKES 8 ADVIL. DO ME A FAVOR AND STOP TALKING TO ME. IM SO DONE IM TRYING TO BE A FRIEND AND TRY TO HELP YOU BUT YOU GET ALL PISSED AT ME FOR BEING CONCERNED. LITERALLY STOP NOW I CANT TAKE YOUR BS"

I didn't respond...

So we stopped hanging out, talking, we can't even look at each other anymore... I hate it...

But sometimes we catch meet eachothers eyes..and it's so uncomfortable...

I look into the eyes that used to have love, care, and concern for me. I look now and all I see is anger, sorrow, and hate....I quickly look away before I begin to cry over a friendship that is lost and will never be fixed.. It breaks me. I hate it..I hate is so much..I just hate it..

Luckily I had stopped cutting...but I do wear a rubber band around my wrist wen I feel like I need pain..so I just hit my wrist with it. It stings and would leave a temporary mark..but it's okay. At least it's not permanent damage.

But he says he's happy....and that makes me happy...seeing him happy. For that's all I've ever wanted for him. For him to be happy. Now he is....at least that's what he says anyways. I'm not so sure. But seeing him happy makes me happy. So I'm happy...or at least I should be..