Behind The Screens

18 | Feelings

Alex

Nothing but the thought of seeing her was in my mind. I had always felt something missing, but because I shut out the thought of Britten as a whole, I didn't know what it was. But I knew that the kisses I shared with Nora were just kisses and seeing her smile was like viewing an ad in a magazine every two pages. I was empty when I met Nora, and I thought that she could fill the space, but she never could.

A loud tapping noise filled my ear, making me quickly snap to attention. "Alex, what is going on with you today?" My calculus teacher asked. I shook my head and looked around the vacant room. "The bell rang two minutes ago." She informed me. "Oh." I replied, continuing to sit in my desk. "You need to eat lunch, hon." She said. I shrugged and stood up. "See you tomorrow- I mean Monday, Mrs.Dillard." I said, waving.

I plopped into the seat next to Tyler at the lunch table. We had gotten on good terms again, you know, since he's my best friend. At some point we had to make up.

"You're not going to get lunch?" Tyler asked. I shook my head. I still hadn't told him. There were a couple of other guys sitting at the table with us; the twins, Ben and Andrew. "You alright man?" Andrew asked, leaning over the table to punch my arm. I gently nodded, but Tyler knew better.
"Spill it." He whispered.

So when we got home, we walked through the door, said our hellos, walked to our room, and I told Tyler, "Britten and I are meeting for the first time since the break up." His eyes widened with shock. "That's huge, you made up?" He asked. I shrugged.

I wanted to be with her. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was, but at the same time, I didn't how over things really were. Then Tyler said something that I couldn't get out of my head. "If you can forgive me, then why can't you forgive the love of your life?" I understood. I hadn't even completely forgiven Tyler and I was already talking to him. So why was I still pushing the girl I'd never wanted to lose away?

It seemed like fate when my phone buzzed with a text from Britten.

Beach in ten.

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Britten

I sat on the cool sand, drawing letters with my fingers that were only washed away seconds later by the ocean.
I didn't know what to expect with Alex. I was afraid that he'd hardly listen and roll his eyes whenever I opened my mouth. I was afraid that he no longer loved me.
But I was also creating scenarios in my head where we both immediately realize what we'd been missing and he'd come toward me with open arms and hold me like he used to.
I would've cried if he were to not show a single emotion on his face when I talked to him because he used to be full of it when we were together. But what were we now?

"Britten." A familiar voice said from behind me. I looked up, and there he was. He'd changed a bit since the last time I'd seen him. He had a little stubble and his hair had gotten longer. He had a look in eyes as if he was still looking for something. I longed for it to be me.

I rose to my feet and stood face to face with him. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't know if he wanted to kiss me. I held out my arms for a hug and as soon as he wrapped his arms around me I couldn't let go- and neither could he. Though I was trying so hard to keep it together, tears sprung to my eyes for the hundredth time since I'd called him and he pulled away.

"What did you need to talk about?" He asked with concern in his eyes. I sniffed and wiped my face, quickly pulling myself together.
"Um, I've been going through some things since we parted." I admitted, breathily. His expression softened. "Did someone die?" He asked. I shook my head.
"I don't know how to condense this, so I'm just going to- explain." I said.
"So, I'd been getting sick every few days, and I'd missed my period twice, and that day I called you I'd noticed I was a little bloated."

Alex's face went pale. I took his hand and squeezed it. "I took a... a test that same day, I was too scared to read it, so Mira waited for me."
"Britten I promise-"
"No, let me finish, Alex. I want you to understand." This time I would make sure he heard me out before making assumptions.
He nodded and I could feel him trembling slightly.

"She came out of the bathroom and she looked at me, but there was no kind of emotion on her face, she just, stood." I explained. "When she held up the pregnancy test and I saw the one line, I-" I tried to stop myself from crying again. "I cried- I cried almost as hard as I did when you left me." And the tears escaped my eyes again at the thought. It was a feeling I hated remembering, a memory I wanted to erase.

"Britten, I'm-"
"Please, Alex, just let me say what I need to say." I begged him. He bit his lip and I finally saw the emotion I'd seen once before on his face again.

"I cried, not because I was happy or sad that I wasn't pregnant, I cried because the first thing that I thought was that if I were, I'd want it to be with you. I cried because I realized I would want to spend all my years with you and grow old with you and watch our kids grow old too. Alex, I cried because I wanted you, I needed you, and you weren't there. I'm so in love with you, and I made a mistake and I am so sorry, I am Alex, and I hope- I hope you can forgive me."

That day was the first time I'd ever seen Alex Perez cry. It was only a few stray tears, his nose red and his eyes glassy with emotion. I knew he was in love with me, and I was sure I loved him back.

He took my damp face in his hands and kissed me for the first time since December.
"I'm so sorry." He whispered after pulling away. "And I forgive you, but it's really my fault. I thought about it too much, I should've let you speak, I was just scared of being hurt, so I tried to push you away so I could forget about you and not get attached. But truth is, I couldn't. I love you too much."

"It's okay, it's over now." I said, softly, and smiled. "All I want to think about now is you. He wiped his face and laughed. "God, I'm such a baby." I laughed with him and shook my head. "That's the first time I've ever seen you cry." I said, and he only gave me a slight grin.

"I have a question." Alex finally said, sitting on the ground. I sat next to him. "If you're not pregnant, are you okay? Those symptoms seem pretty severe."
I sighed. "Stress, stress eating, stomach bug." I tucked a hair behind my ear to avoid the awkwardness. Alex looked down with a guilty expression on his face. I gently grabbed his chin and turned it toward me. He continued looking down. "What?" I asked.
"It's my fault. I didn't know that I caused you this much stress, I'm so sorry." He apologized.
"Don't worry about it, Alex." I said. "It's in the past."

We continued sitting in the sand for a little while longer, staring into the ocean and listening to the screams of excitement coming from the kids around us. Then I suddenly remembered something I'd almost forgotten to say.

"Alex!" I exclaimed, startling him. He looked at me with wide eyes. "Yea?"
"I almost forgot to tell you... I'm moving to California."