I Never Meant to Fall in Love

3.1

With the blankets over me and my pillow clutched in my arms, I laid in my bed. Lights off, blinds closed, door shut. Totally disconnected from the world.

Officially, it's been five days since Brooklyn and I split. I skipped school, I didn't really talk to my family, I didn't check social media.

"Isabelle, it's mom."

She slowly opened my door after I told her she was allowed to come in. The first thing she did was comment on how dark it was in here and turned on the lights.

"It's so dark in here."
"Mom!" I groaned, pulling the covers up to shield my eyes from the harsh light.
She sat down next to me, "How are things, how're you feeling?"

At first I didn't say anything. I didn't really have to tell anybody anything because people just kind of found out. My mood and the absent of Brooklyn was enough to tell that something was wrong. Rumours spread so quick it was like wildfire.

She placed her hand on me and that's when I broke, "Mom, it hurts."
"Oh, shh. It'll be alright."

She hugged me while I sobbed.

"I can't believe he did that to me!"
"His loss because you are a beautiful, smart, caring girl that anyone would be lucky to have. He's the one who messed up, not you, this is not your fault."
"It feels like it is," I wiped my eyes, "maybe if I would've told him 'I love you' more then maybe we'd still be dating..."
"No, Izzy."
"If I was better then he would like me."
"Don't say that about yourself!"
It looked like I was upsetting my mom now, "I want dad back..."

I sighed knowing it was going to be a while since the next time I saw him.

"Can you please leave?" I asked as polite as I could.
"Uh-"
"I want to call Ryder," I nodded making up my mind.
"I love you."

My mom kissed me on the head and hugged me before she left, giving the privacy I needed right now. At last, it was peaceful and quiet, but that also left me vulnerable to feeling sad and alone.

This was the first time I had been on my phone in the past few days. I saw loads of messages, some from Nia and Grace giving me words of encouragement and others from Brooklyn's group of friends telling me that they were sorry that this happened. I had tons of notifications on Instagram from people who I didn't even know. For the most part, strangers were pleased which made things even worse. It was sick how one persons misfortune could make another content.

Checking my phone also meant seeing communication with Brooklyn again. Of course, he'd tried calling and texting and FaceTiming. All which I had no interest in replying to.

24 missed calls from Brooklyn.

7 missed FaceTime calls from Brooklyn.

Brooklyn: Izzy, I'm sorry, u just need to listen to me and trust me

Brooklyn: They're all rumours

Brooklyn: Izzy

Brooklyn: ok... Maybe ur still mad

Brooklyn: I'm sorry

Brooklyn: I didn't mean to hurt u

Brooklyn: but what u said hurt me also

Brooklyn: baby plz don't do this to me

Brooklyn: God Izzy please fucking respond to me

Brooklyn: don't shut me out like this

Brooklyn: imy

Brooklyn: lots actually....

Brooklyn: damnit Izzy

Brooklyn: ur gone...

Brooklyn: come back to me

Brooklyn: I can't lose you

Brooklyn: I'm not ready to let go

Brooklyn: I never will be

Brooklyn: baby I love u

That was all that he sent from the past five days. I disregarded his messages and forgot about them. I went to my contacts and clicked to FaceTime Ryder.

I looked back at myself for the first time in the screen of my phone, I was a wreck. Ryder would understand and hopefully be there for me when I needed him most.

He rubbed his eyes as his face appeared on the screen, "Izzy? You woke me up," he groaned.
"Sorry..."
Ryder looked at me, "Shit, are you ok?"
"No."
"What happened, Izzy, tell me," his voice showed some type of urgency because he wanted to know now.
"We- we kind of broke up."
"What do you mean kind of?!"
"It had to be done..."
"Izzy."
"I didn't have a choice he cheated on me."

I felt my body stiffen up and go cold. My breathing hitched and I swallowed hard.

"Oh my god..."

I heard him muttering curse worse and saw his running his fingers through his hair, processing the situation. Meanwhile, I held back waterfalls from my eyes.

"You don't need him."
"But I do," I cried.
"You're so much better than any other girl, if he's not the one, someone else will be."
"But he's perfect."
"Watch, someone will come along and turn everything right side up again."
"But it won't be Brooklyn.
"Izzy, you need to believe this."
"But I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I still love him! Even though I didn't mean to fall in love..."

Everything went silent. Did I really just admit that I was still in love with Brooklyn?

"Izzy, you want a big brother's advice?" I nodded, "You got to get your feelings straight, girl. Right now, there all over the place! Figure out want you want, and get that."
"I want Brooklyn," I sighed.

He looked at me with a straight face, then exhaled.

"Don't go back to him please. Cheating means that for even one little second, he was not thinking about you. You were not on his mind. You know who was? The girl who was probably all fucking over him."

I started to cry, like literally ball my eyes out. His words were harsh, but I trusted Ryder with my life, so I believed it.

"Does he love me?"
"Yes, of course."
"Then why are you saying all that mean stuff about him?!" I screamed back.
"Because he hasn't loved you properly. He took a break... And I don't think you deserve that, Izzy."
I sniffled and blew my nose, "Ok..."
"Wait for that moment, ok love?"
"How will I know?"
"It'll just feel right."
"Even more right than it felt with Brooklyn?"
"Even more."
"And what do I do if it feels so right?"
"Do it. That'll be the guy."

I understood his words to me.

"Talk soon, I love you."
He blew a kiss and I touched the screen to make sure I got it, "I love you too."

We ended the call and I started a new chapter of my life: getting over my first heartbreak.