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8. Afterthoughts

Dear Calum,

I had envisioned Monday running smoother than it had.

Being unaware of how much you really remembered from the party put me at a disadvantage when you tried to talk to me in class. I didn't know whether I was meant to be angry over your actions or if I should just push it aside as though nothing had even happened. 

Seeing Luke in math only seemed to heighten the awkward tension. While you were drunk and oblivious, Luke was fully sober and kind. I could tell he was curious as to why I left so early and about the rumor that you and I left together. He told me he was disappointed to know I'd left so early and asked if I wanted to hangout later that week. I was so full of joy in that moment though something instantly sucked it away. You.

This is where my problem stems Calum, it's not that you aren't the person I thought you were. I don't think anyone will ever know you fully. And I can live with that. 

It's not how people ask what we are, because we aren't anything. I no longer want anything to do with you. But people ask what my feelings for you are. 

And there is where my true problem lies.  Afterall, how am I meant to explain that I don't like you in the way they're thinking, but instead I'm just drawn to you. I'm drawn to your actions, your insults, and your jokes. I want to understand what has made you into the person you are today. 

But I do not want to be with you. I don't want to be the one to put a scowl on your face, or the person who extinguishes the few smiles you ration. I will not be the sponge for your hurtful words or your shattering screams. I won't be someone you call at 3 am with only the intention of a hookup. I want more for myself. More importantly; I want more for you Calum Hood. 

I need someone who is more different than they are similar to me. I've never been good at holding others sadness, only my own. So that;s why you need to see it Calum. You aren't something that needs to be fixed; you aren't the broken toy that everyone tosses aside. You just aren't someone I should be around right now, and I'm slowly starting to pull myself away from the mystery of you.

Because Monday was the wake up call I'd needed.

Monday was the day I figured out you weren't the one for me

Monday was knowing we would never connect in the way I wanted

Monday was the realization that no matter how much time I spent with you, I would never matter as much to you as you already do to me.

Monday was the day I truly understood how toxic you were for my already decaying life.

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A/N: Ok. So there's people I know that are reading this and I would just like to say yes, this book is based off a real person, some of the conversations and events are too. But some of it is fiction and most of it probably will be made up. Ok lol just wanted to put it out there