Take me back

1.

Okay, in this first chapter I'm not sure about certain dates so I just made them up. Don't come for me okay, I'm too lazy to look them up.

I open my diary to the day where it all started. If only I could go back and fix the utter mess I had caused.
Dan was a blessing and unknown to how lucky I was, I toyed with his heart and threw what we had away. I keep replaying the moment in my head, of when Dan found out. I remember the feeling of dread in my mind and the distraught in my heart.

I start to read, cringing slightly but nonetheless, I felt a mix of joy and sadness for my diary.

28th August 2009

**Here I am, another night alone. Everyone around me is getting into relationships, even my brother has a girlfriend.

I suppose you could say it is harder for me. I am gay but most people assume I am straight. My friend, Chris set up a date for me with a girl and I hated it. I was so awkward and she was lovely, bless, but I can't lie to anyone again.

Dan is the only person who knows. Dan is gay, his family and friends accepted it, but I couldn't help but feel like I would be an outcast, a reject, like no one would support or accept me. Only Dan does, but I don't know him in real life.

I can't get the thought out of my head. I know it's wrong for me to want to wrap my arms around my best friend, I know he would freak out if I held his hand. I can't do it, there's no way I'm going to confess to Dan that I wanted to love him.

We were due to meet in just under two months. We were going to make a video together, but apart from that I couldn't wait to spend the whole weekend with him.

end of diary entry**

25th October 2009

**Today's the day. Today's the day I go to meet Dan at the train station and I'm so excited.

I'm going to see him for real! It's actually going to be him!

I wonder how it'll feel? I wonder how it'll be to hug him?

\\
Me and Dan just filmed the video and Dan has just gone to get a drink so I'll take this opportunity to write.

It was amazing. We hugged as soon as we met and I heard his laugh for the first time in real life. It made me want to laugh and smile and hug him some more.

He was beautiful. His hair, his eyes, his face, his smell, his laugh, his...well, everything. I didn't think I would fall for him this hard but I guess you can't control feelings and who you fall for.

I need to stop writing now, I can hear Dan coming back up the stairs. If he sees this then I'm done for.

Goodbye for now

End of entry**

I smile to myself but also feel a mixture of sadness. Why was I so stupid?!

I sigh as I close the diary.

Dan had let me stay at the apartment for now as I had come back from my parent's house to see Winnie after she'd finished her first day at school.

And, admittedly, I also came back for Dan (also Dil)

The way Dan held me when we hugged told me a million things.

It told me he didn't want me to go, it told me he loved me, that he was scared, that he was happy, that maybe I should stay.

Things seemed to be better now, so maybe I could stay.

I wouldn't count on it though, things always seem to get bad when I'm around.

Ugh.

I lie flat on what used to be our bed.

I look at the ceiling, the same ceiling I had looked at many nights before, wondering how many times I would have to lie to Dan, how many times I would have to lie to escape out to see Alex.

Yet, I still hated myself for
it. I had the most loving boyfriend ever and I lost him.

Good job Philly.

I sit up and return the diary to the shelf. If only I could go back in time.

Life just isn't fair

A/N
New book! I hope you enjoy this one, it's a follow on from First Time Family. Let me know what you think! I'll probably change the cover at some point btw, I know it's crap. Also, you may have noticed I'm numbering my chapters now. Much easier. Enjoy!

Don't forget to vote and comment. I love reading the comments holy crap, sometimes they make me laugh so much