Butterfly Keeper // h.s. au

Chapter Thirty One

It's been a day since my talk with Zayn. No calls or texts from Courtney about the pregnancy test, nothing from Zayn to affirm that he kept his word. Harry's only replied to one of my texts, the chapstick one, typing out a both simple and disappointing, 'Yes', in response. I'm surrounded by radio silence on all ends. I feel a little lonely, but the absence of communication from my friends and Harry have left me room to catch up on studying and my essays that need to be written.

I still don't know exactly what I'm heading for with my studies. Business writing is the only specialized class that I've been taking besides my prerequisites. And I had figured that by now I would be sure of what direction I wanted to take my life in but I still find myself stuck between Journalism and Business. If I'm being honest with myself I have a hard time seeing myself in either of those fields. I try to picture myself sitting behind a desk and going over profit making strategies with a team of nicely dressed coworkers, or burning the midnight oil to write that column on some sort of controversial topic in politics. Sure, I can imagine it. But when I do I never seem happy...

***

I walk the halls with the light tap of my boots against the ceramic tile flooring, and instantly I notice that eyes seem to linger on me for longer than what would be considered normal. I'm a person that likes blend in, but that's not my default setting because I know how to make myself known. My middle school days were wasted on trying to gain the attention of everyone around me. And it worked, I had all the twelve and thirteen year old glory of being the air-headed popular girl who took pride in making people feel inferior. But what did that do for me in the long run? Nothing, nothing at all.

I've decided that I like being the small detail at the back of the picture. I'm more comfortable this way. And I've learned what it's like to be that insecure girl who takes any side glance from a tall blonde with perfect makeup to heart. I don't ever want to make anyone in my life feel that way ever again, it's almost like the old me never existed. I think a lot about how crazy it is that people can change like that, from day to night. One day you're small and the next you're on top of the world. I guess that's why they call it growing up.

So as I enter business writing, my books held under my arm and my fingers now nervously twisting the silver wrapped around my thumb, I know that I have an audience of eyes on me. I sit in my normal seat and find it odd that I'm disappointed at the fact that Zayn's seat is empty. Will things go back to being the same between us? My heart seems to stall at that thought, like my brain is having technical difficulties and can't compute the answer.

Mr. Payne sits behind his desk, engrossed in a few papers that are held between his fingers while twisting the butterfly pendant on his tie. His brow is slightly furrowed and he pays no attention to the multitude of chatty students entering through his doors.

I place my things in order on my work space, and can't keep my eyes from scanning Zayn's empty seat. I know that if he were here he would assure me that It's all in my head, no one's really looking at me. But then I rethink that, because things are different between he and I now. I have to watch myself around him, make sure that what would normally be a friendly gesture isn't taken as flirting. I shake my head to myself. Hopefully this means that he's with Courtney, that's the only thought that gives my mind a second of peace.

"Alright, let's quiet down." Mr. Payne says abruptly. He begins rolling up the sleeves on his white button up like usual and ambles over to the chalkboard. "Let's just get right to it today, shall we?" He peers over his shoulder at the class as everyone looks back at him in an assented silence.

He begins to write notes on the chalkboard, everyone jotting them down as he begins to speak, but only moments later he is interrupted by a knock on his classroom door. The whole class looks up simultaneously and Mr. Payne seems less than pleased with the interruption to his class as he frowns at the door and halts his movements on the chalkboard.