Just A Little Different

Chapter 19

I couldn't face the night alone. I laid down with Ben instead of returning to my room. I listened to Ben's gentle breathing, unable to sleep myself. I tried to remember what had me so scared earlier, but the dream was far from my memory.

By a little while past two, I was still wide awake. I closed my eyes, willing sleep to come, but it wouldn't. I felt Ben turn over beside me. Why can't I be more like him? He's so brave and smart. He can pull through anything. I sighed. He's so amazing. After a few more minutes, I grew restless and sat up, deciding to head down to the river for a while to think.

"Ian?" he whispered as I stood. He sounded tired. Did I wake him up? I pretended not to hear him as I left the room. "Ian," he said a little louder. "Where are you going?"

"Back to my room," I said simply. I did go to my room to get my coat and shoes, but he was standing outside my door when I turned to leave.

"Alright, I'll ask again. Where the hell do you think you're going at almost 2:30 in the morning?" He turned on the light, and we both stopped, blinking as our eyes adjusted.

"I'm not tired. I'm going down to the river."

"Ian, it's too dark. It's dangerous out there." He crossed his arms. "Take off your jacket and shoes and get in bed. If you don't want to lay with me, at least lay in your bed."

I stared at him. He was irritable from a rude awakening, and I knew he would probably get angry if I didn't listen, but I didn't care at the moment. I needed to go sit and think or I felt I would go out of my mind. "I want to go out."

"I don't care what you want," he retorted. "It is way too late and we have to leave for school in five hours."

"I'll be back in an hour. Now can I leave?"

"No!" I tried to push past him, but he blocked my way. "You certainly are stubborn."

"Ben, let me out." I thought about push in him back away from the door, but I didn't think hostility would help.

"You need to get some sleep. You've only slept for four hours in almost two days." His green eyes flashed angrily. "I woke up after you got out of bed. You have no one but yourself to blame for this. I refuse to let you leave."

The hallway light flicked on. "What's with the raised voices? You should both be in bed right now. I have to work tomorrow and both of you have school."

"Ian's trying to leave," Ben told his mom, never taking his angry glare off me.

"Why?" She moved closer to the door and I suddenly had two sets of emerald green eyes fixed on me.

"Because I need air!" I snapped. "I need to be alone and think!"

"You need to sleep, Ian! You wouldn't feel so trapped if you weren't so tired!"

"How would you know, Ben?"

"Hey!" Ma silenced us with a shout. "Ben, let him go."

He looked at her in shock. "You're not serious, are you?" She nodded. "But it's dangerous out there! This is literally the time when all the psycho people come out to rob stores and perform their demonic rituals."

"You need to trust that Ian knows what he's up against. He has a mind of his own."

"Have you not met him? That 'mind of his own' is all sorts of messed up!" There was a long silence following his words.

~~~~~~~~

I knew I made a mistake as soon as the words escaped my lips. Mom looked shocked, like she couldn't believe her little boy would ever say something like that about anyone, no matter how much she knew it was true, and Ian's entire face fell from angry to upset as soon as the words hit his ears. We were all silent for a long time, then Ian quietly said, "Well...It's good to know you realize this." Then he shoved me off to the side and made for the front door.

Guilt immediately crashed down on me like an ocean wave. "I-Ian, wait." I followed him, grabbed his wrist before he left. He pulled away and his eyes met mine. He looked ready to burst into tears.

"Leave me alone." Then he walked out into the cold autumn night, slamming the door behind him.

I turned to my mom. "Why is he so emotional lately? Why is it that every time I say or do something, it upsets him? Why is everything going so wrong when it seemed so right before?"

"Sweety, we both know Ian has some issues. It's not always a bad thing that he wants to be alone. He's still trying to get through a changing personality because he's known nothing but evil his whole life. He's still in defense mode and will probably remain that way for a long time to come. No matter how much you want it to, just being there won't be enough for him. He needs to figure things out himself before his depression finally starts to ebb away."

"I just said something stupid too. That probably didn't help," I said sadly.

"It happens. You two live together and are only apart for about an hour and a half a day, not including bedtime. There will be complications. There are in every relationship. Give him a little while and then talk it over with him. You know him better than anyone else, Ben. If he would forgive anyone for saying something wrong, it's you. He forgave Ambrew, didn't he? He's only known him for a couple months. And didn't he forgive that other kid who was always mean to him? It's not too late for you."

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Ian showed up at home an hour later, like he said he would, but he didn't come inside right away. I watched him through the window as he kicked around some rocks in the yard, deep in thought. My mom had already gone back to bed, so I put my coat on and went outside to meet him, in case things heated up again.

"What do you want?" His tone was harsh and he was facing away from me.

"Can we talk?"

"Why? So you can tell me more about how screwed up I am, like I don't already know? As if I don't spend everyday thinking the same thing?"

This was going to be harder than I'd hoped. "Ian, I was angry. You know I didn't mean that."

"That doesn't mean it didn't hurt." He turned to face me. "I spend each day thinking about how lucky I am to have you, about how unlucky you are to have me, but I keep it to myself. I know my mind is messed up. I've had to live with it for basically my entire life. I also know you don't care. You don't care about what everyone else says or how they look at us because you're happy. At least, I thought you were. And the day Ambrew kissed you, I heard your conversation outside my door when you expressed your doubts about it being a good thing that I'm different. I've been resisting temptation for days, Ben, temptation to do awful things, and not just to myself." His eyes glinted threateningly.

A chill ran down my spine, and I was sure it wasn't from the cold. "Ian, calm down. Y-you're not thinking clearly." I swallowed. That wasn't a look that I liked.

"But am I ever with this screwed up head?" he challenged. "Just leave me alone." He stomped past me and into the house. "I don't want to talk to you right now."

I stood there, speechless. Not only is he angry, he just blatantly threatened me. What the hell is happening to the man I love?