Dead On More Than Impact (Rayrard & Frerard)

Chapter Two: Martyrdom and Compunction

Gerard POV:

I stared off into space not really hearing the conversations around me. Sharp images and crazy feelings were swimming around my head freely and drowning me. My ears felt clogged, like I had absorbed the water I was drowning in. I couldn't hear and I really didn't want to. I'd have to hear the emotions being spilt out of the mouths around me. I felt a sharp pain in my heart as another flashback shot through my heart, brain, and eyes. It punctured my heart, stained my eyes, and imprinted itself into my brain. There was no escaping it. The memory had lodged itself where the emotions couldn't reach. I felt empty but full. I begged and pleaded my mind to stop pushing the pain to the center of my thoughts, but it seemed as if it wanted me to know that I was alive -if you could call what I am alive. I had just watched him die.

I had woken up in a brightly lit hospital room with a florescent light burning my eyes directly above my head. The nurse had come in immediately after I had woken up with a few medical supplies. I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't think she knew I was awake yet. I sat up carefully on the bed and she looked startled when she turned around. I gave her a smile that felt fake and felt like my cheeks were being held up with strings. She turned back to her work awkwardly and let me assess my surroundings. I couldn't remember how I got here, but it seemed to be the least of my worries. The nurse turned around with a needle in her hand and I leaned as far back as I could go into my pillow. She had a sympathetic look in her eyes and she stuck the needle back into her pocket before breaking the silence.

"Mr. Way-"

I rudely interrupted her, "It's Gerard."

She nodded and started again, "Gerard, do you know why you are here?" She lifted her hand up with some kind of medicine on a cotton swab.

I leaned back defensively, "What is that?"

"It's Neosporin. I'm going to clean the circular bruise on your right temple. Is that okay?" She spoke softly but I wasn't in the mood.

"No, it's not okay. I'm a grown fucking man and I can do it myself." I knocked the cotton swab from her hand and her face turned bright red. I didn't know why I had chosen to act like this, but I didn't want her help. I was angry. I was angry at myself and the stupid criminal. I was angry at this nurse for faking her kindness. I was sick of bad things happening to me.

"Gerard, if we don't get it cleaned up it could get infected. We have no idea where his gun has been. Do you want an infection on your face?" She spoke calmly and clearly, but her face was still part tomato.

I crossed my arms stubbornly over my chest and growled at her, "I'll do it myself. I've already told you that I am a grown fucking man and capable of doing it myself."

He eyes widened once more before she nodded and handed me another cotton swab and put a drop of Neosporin on it. I looked at it once before looking back at her. She seemed to take the hint and left. The door slammed shut and I was finally alone. I looked at the cotton swab once more before throwing it in the trash and looking in the only mirror in the room. I was extremely pale and my black hair was greasy and a mess. My circular bruise was a dark blackish blue, but I didn't want to get rid of it. I had many small bruises around my jaw and forehead, but they were already starting to fade. The criminal's punches hadn't done nearly as much damage as the gun's barrel. I deserved it, though. I was a pathetic person and I deserved what the criminal did to me, but Ray didn't deserve death. He didn't deserve it at all. I had been the low-life with no future. Ray had had a future. Ray had never been arrested or thrown in jail. Ray had never drunk more than two beers at a party or made out with the first person he saw. Ray had never needed a drug because his head felt like it was going to explode without it. But I had, I had done all of those things. I had been miserable and felt every miserable feeling. I deserved to die, not Ray.