Secrets and School

Chapter 13

TRIGGER WARNING: Negative thoughts of appearance and mention of self harm.

Mum made me have the day off of school. Which in all honesty, I was very grateful for. Felix and Hazel left for school as normal, and mum left for work shortly after. I decided to lay in bed for an extra hour because...why not? Dad was snoring away still. He probably won't be up for a while. I groaned and dragged myself out of my bed. I promised mum I would keep my binder off today to give my chest a break and a chance to heal. So I resorted to a baggy jumper.

I headed downstairs, made myself a late breakfast and watched some crap tv show. I get bored quickly and switch off the tv. I look at my watch. Break would have started a few minutes ago at school. I ran upstairs to grab my phone, 1 new message. Obviously it was from Zoe. 

Zoe: I haven't seen you at all yet, so I am assuming you're staying home. In all honesty, I don't blame you. I would do the same. Are you okay? I am missing you.

I look at my phone screen. I feel bad for leaving her there by herself but in reality, I would have shown up and had to leave five minutes later cause I would be in too much pain. I message back quickly

Jake: Mum insisted I had the day off. So I won't be in later today. Sorry I am not there, I do feel bad about it. But I am in agony, so it's probably best I am not there. I am doing better than yesterday, but still not great as you could of probably guessed. I miss you too. 

I press send and sit on my bed waiting for her reply. It wasn't long later until I got her reply.

Zoe: You should have more than one day off. Seriously, from the amount of pain you're in you should be off for at least a week to recover. Don't push yourself. Just relax. I will get your school work from the teachers and drop it off to you, so you don't fall behind or anything. Take some painkillers. Please take care of yourself. I need to head to class I will message you at lunch xxx

I send a quick "okay, talk later xxx" message, hoping she received it in time. I went to the bathroom and looked in the cabinet for some painkillers. I found the little bottle I wanted and tipped two tablets into my hand. I put the bottle back and went to the kitchen. I filled a glass with water and took the tablets. They should start working in twenty-ish minutes. I sighed wondering what to do with myself.

I started to head back to my bedroom when I heard my dad beginning to wake up. I smiled. I walked over to the door and knocked. He said come in and I opened the door. He was sat up in bed, hair sticking up everywhere and yawning. I laughed at the sight and it wasn't long until he joined in too, knowing he was quite the sight. I went over and sat on the bed next to him. We talked about school and what happened yesterday. He seemed rather proud of me sticking up for my little sister.

After half an hour of chatting, I decided to leave him be and went to my room. It was roughly an hour and a half until Zoe could message me. So I had time to kill. I rolled my sleeves up and looked at my bandages around my wrists. The cuts were still clearly visible, others were much older and had grown faint, you had to really look for them in order to see them. I could do with some fresh bandages. I rummaged through my desk drawer and soon found the box of bandages. I threw the current ones in the bin and put on some fresh ones straight from the box.

I considered grabbing for my blade but I quickly decided against it and got my sketchbook out. I had many sketchbooks at home dotted around my room. I looked in my little art cupboard dad created for me, one birthday. I found my pencils, charcoal and chalk. I plugged my iPod into my speakers and turned it down to a moderate setting. I sat on my bed with my sketchbook on my lap and just started drawing. I had nothing in mind, I just started drawing.

My phone vibrated on my bedside table. I realized that it had been an hour and a bit since I started drawing. I quickly went and washed my hands to get rid of the chalk and charcoal that was smudged on them. I then went back to my phone. Me and Zoe messaged back and forth talking about how each other's day has been and other completely random things. Eventually it's time for her to head to class so we message our goodbyes and I put my phone in my pocket.

I looked over at my artwork. It showed a crying boy, in the dark. He was covered in bruises from head to toe wearing ripped and ragged clothes. I realized, the boys facial features look much like my own...I had drawn myself.

I walked over to the mirror and took my jumper off. I started to degrade myself. I crumpled to the floor, crying at my reflection. Why did I have to be born female? Why couldn't I have been born male? I slipped my jumper back on slowly as the tears streamed down my face.

My phone vibrated in my pocket. I looked briefly at my phone. It was a message from Zoe. I had been in front of this mirror for an hour. I put my phone back in my pocket, without replying, and continued to degrade myself.