So this was last weekend. I went with my friend al to a Catholic retereat for highschoolers. We stayed over at a camp. Friday night and saturday night and on sunday at 12 we would leave to go home.
So my friend al Ive known her for 3 years now, shes like my best friend but latey its been differnt . Ever sense this retreat.
First of all she does this alot were she talks about her best friend. Wishing she was here. That it would be funner if she was here. Wanting to go places with her. Talking how they do things all the time.
(This took place in the car on the ride there and when we got there it conuted threw the whole time)
This sorta buged me. It made me feel like she didnt want to be there with me. That I might as well just leave. I was unimportant and forgotten. Im very sorry if I have ever made you feel like this.
So we sat down at a table and I dismissd what happen in the car. We made name tags and then we were put in to our small groups. I was with Luke Natilie Liz Baylee And Zach 4 out of the 5 were from a local catholic high school. They knew each other and even liz the girl that went to public knew them .
Al was put with a group of girls And one guy.
We all gatherd up and were suppost to talk about things. Dissuss our lifes. No body in my group included me till the second day. Occasionaly I would speak up and tell what my mind was on.
Al felt included she was having alot of fun.
Then saturday came we were discussing tough stuff. Everybody got blue journals that we were suppost to write in after people would talk. This girl in my group started crying. She talk about her tough stuff then the boys talked. And then it was me. I was in tears, trying to hold it back. I wanted to tell them everything. I wantd to show them. Explain my tears. But instead I stayed quiet. I regret it. I wish I would have told them.
So now I feel like I need to explain to you.
A lot of things happend in 2015.
My dieing uncle finally got a liver. Went to iowa city and lived.
My depression.
My uncle paul died heart attack.
My grandpa. Died I saw them doing cpr and conpressions..
High school .
I was sexually harassed. Bullyed for weeks in highschool.
I wrote a suicide note.
I still self harmed.
My friend al told the school counsler about the note and about me.
After that we did a activity. We got a paper heart and we were suppost to write somthing we wanted to be forgiven about. And put it in the fire. And then we'd get a new heart.
On my heart I put self harm.
After reciveing a new heart we got letters. I was extreamly disapointed with my letters. I felt that my group didnt know who I was. Each letter said pretty much the same thing.
I made a letter for my friend al. Put it in her bag she didnt know abt it till later. It said thanks for saveing me. The only thing I wanted to do was go to sleep. Finally 2 hours later we could leave and go back to our cabins. My friend started to get grouchy and complain and call me names trying to be funny but not. I reopend my letter bag . and a red letter flew out. It was from zach. The boy in my group . his letter made me feel better. It was personal towards me. It was like he knew somthing was wrong.
Zach if you some how find this and are reading it right now. Thank you. You have no idea. It gave me the hope. Much needed hope.
I bet you didnt know. I cryed my self to sleep that night. To the sound of laughter. I coverd up my face with my sleeping bag. No one noticed.
The next morning. She took my name tag.
( if we took off our name tag anyone could take it and we would be "humilated" in frount of everyone But that rule didnt apply when we were sleeping.)
I was mad. Not only would she take it when I was sleeping. Which was against the rules . she took it at all. I wouldnt even think of doing that to anyone. Okay. Its not okay to humilate people I dont care.
I dont feel I can trust anyone any more there are few people I feel I can trust.
In the morning we had one last talk . and one of the girls said
"I can bearly function at catholic school I dont know how you do it at public ?"!
She ment well but it buged me. So did one of the letters I recieved. Let me show you the letter.
