Dear Aniki

Jan. 17 2016

dear aniki,
I haven't heard from you since Thursday and I was worried as fuck honestly.. so I texted gi to see if she'd heard from you, she said earlier today you guys were talking.. Im sorry I know im overreacting but I really fucking love you (asaf) damnit! what did I do?! Couldn't you at least tell me?! don't you know how worried I was?! when I found out you were ignoring me i straight up cried myself to sleep just like the fucking old days! Couldn't you at least tell me why?! Is this it?! Are you even coming back?! Was everything you said a lie?! We talked about what we were gonna do when we met! I was gonna take you to the tea place and we were gonna go to the ocean! I was gonna take you to the mountain because you said you've always wanted to see real snow! I wanted to get you a piano if I had the money! When you told me we'd make it possible, when you said you really don't want to lose me, when you said we'd do all those things together, was it all a lie?! the thing is, after everything you said to me, I thought maybe you did really care! I thought you gave maybe the slightest shred of a shit! I guess I was wrong  as usual huh..
I don't know how to say this... Im drowning and you're the water..
but you're also the air that I gotta breathe to stay alive. do you kinda get it..? You're on my mind a lot and I always think of things we could do together.
Honestly there is one line from this song that really just..
it goes like 'heaven is a place on earth with you, tell me all the things you wanna do'
anyways..
..im sorry.. im sorry im annoying, im sorry im a little shitty brat, im sorry I can't be strong like you, im sorry im not brave like you, im sorry I drove you away..
maybe two weeks ago, I was talking about things we could do when you finally would come to canada. eventually you just got fed up and said something like
should I just say it?! We're not even gonna still be friends in ten years. we won't even still be friends in a year.
and I knew that.. i knew one day we would both move on with our lives, I knew you'd forget about me but.. I just didn't want to believe it.
I said something like
I know that damnit! I know eventually you're gonna forget about me but-
but when you're on the brink of suicide and then you meet someone and it's like holy shit since when did I actually give a flying fuck if I die,
it's kinda scary!
you're the only person who's ever made me scared of dying!
I just really need to thank you in person, I gotta hug you for real and I don't want you to become just a memory! I don't wanna wake up every morning without good morning texts from you! I don't want to stop counting eleven hours ahead to see what time it is for you!
and then you said something that no one has ever said to me before..
you said, oh, I see
then we'll make it possible.
I haven't cried tears of joy in a long time, asshole. you made me feel again.. maybe I do have a tiny crush on you still but you're probably straight anyways so whatever. it's just a little crush. I'll probably get over it soon.
but really, im scared..
im scared that it was all a lie and that your words meant nothing to you..
im scared that you left forever and im scared because I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to give you one last hug, I didn't get to tell you just how much you mean to me..
anyways
sorry im probably overreacting.

please come back soon, asshole ^~^

~your suicidal brat ❤️