Song: Wakey, Wakey! - Brooklyn
I know I've made too many mistakes, too many are irreversible, too few are due to faults of my own. I don't know whether I chose to hurt her consciously or unknowingly, all I know is I've cut her so deep I'm scared shitless that there is no cure for her. It's too late she's damaged goods, broken and tattered just like me; everything I've tried so hard to avoid.
Part 1:
June 2012 Arizona state prison...
I'm sitting in this chair listening to this prissy ass chick in her tight fuck-me skirt feeding me some shit 'bout why I did what I did. As if I bloody well don't know what I fucking done, I killed those fucking bastards, you delusional pricks. My head is pounding so viciously against my aching scalp, recently shaved off because of the injuries caused from that night which changed my life drastically, not just physically but in many other ways too.
Part 2:
July 2013 Arizona state prison...
For months now these prison counsellors have been trying to 'get through to me' as they call it, submitting me to endless psychological tests, pointless meetings with counsellors and therapists, it's just a never ending cycle day in day out. All I care about is her, she is constantly on my mind twenty four seven, and I mean every second, minute and hour. In this place time has no limit, it just drags on forever but I guess that is all part of the package, they call it a life sentence for a reason. I knew at the time when we were together that it was just temporary, I don't know why but it just felt as though she would slip out of my grip at any moment, and I may as well have cuffed her to me the grip I had was that firm. It felt almost as if what we had was too good to be true. Our story was bittersweet, a bittersweet start and a tragically bittersweet ending. Love was just never enough for us, sometimes feelings as intense as love aren't enough to carry a relationship between two people no matter how deep the connections go.
My name is Taigo Jenson and today marks the anniversary of my thirteenth month here in the Arizona state prison. I know I should feel remorse for the events that lead me here, but I feel not even an ounce of regret, if I could I would kill those bastards all over again except id make it more brutal than the last time. For the sins they committed they deserved a fate far graver than death, but they at least had a taste of hell. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
The regrets that haunt me every night all link back to her, because no matter how I feel I know I wronged her, I know I behaved like a total asshole, I hold my hands up high to all the mistakes that I made that wound her and hurt her, but it's too late.
The last time I saw her beautiful face still lingers on my mind, as if imprinted there, and it won't leave me, I don't know whether to call it a dream or a nightmare. I remember standing in the courtroom cuffed head to toe, it was the day I was sentenced awaiting the verdict, she held it together so strong and brave until the very last minute as they dragged me away. Her beautiful tear stained face was completely helpless and tortured as she sobbed violently, shouting for them to let me go and that it was not my fault.
Part 4:
Mid August 2012 Arizona state prison...
Babe,
When I knew they took you, bound you, broke you... I went insane. That live feed... not knowing where you were, watching you get thrown about and beaten, fucking... raped! I just lost control. And I wouldn't ever change what I did to those bastards, because I did it for you. I know I should have been there for you. I was cold and distant. At the time I felt betrayed and such resentment, I couldn't help myself from being angry. I couldn't bear to look at you when I know I was the reason they tore you apart. I know it's not your fault and I'm sorry. I love you so much, baby and I should've been there for you. Every day I wake, drowning in thoughts of you, on how to make it all better. Because Olivia sweetheart, I wasn't just drowning in everything that happened... I was drowning in you and I never want to come up for air. But you must know that this is all on me, and because of this... we can't be together. You have to let go, I fucked up bad baby and I'll always want to have you in my arms, touch you... feel you and not a day will pass I won't think of you but you can be fixed beautiful, maybe not whole, but fixed and you can't do that with me. I wish you could, but with me you'll only be broken goods... just like me. I don't want that, so get out now. I'm your Brooklyn baby, cold and far away, when I was supposed to be your home.Move on baby and find someone who can give you the world. I hope you find your way.
I love you Liv
Taigo.
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Part 5:
Late August 2012 Arizona state prison...
Hey Handsome,
God your such a caveman, yes I'm rolling my eyes. I know, I know, I'm never allowed to give you lip, you've told me enough times, but hey guess what? You aren't even here so you can't dish out retribution that I know you secretly thrive upon. And don't even think about sending one of you boys on me, I know you have them watching me...
The only person I want is the one person I know I can't have, we are seas apart. I know you purposely went to the furthest prison away from me because you knew I would come every day, till you agreed to make us work. You know me too well better than anyone, even myself, and don't you dare lie to me! They told me... the boys. I went to the Club every single day demanding answers. I'd be in tears sobbing, shouting, screaming, even fucking swearing my head off! I know not like me, 'your sweet innocent Liv'. I was a complete train wreck, it's a miracle I didn't fall of the track sooner. I knew eventually they would give in, or I at least hoped they would. For so long I had no answers, I was all alone just like always, when you were so distant. Don't blame them for telling me, I deserved to know but you took that away from me, now I only feel more guilty and its all on you. You're right about that, I think that's what hit me the most in your letter.
But you just don't understand that I don't care what mistakes you made and are still making by pushing me away. You're not broken, you have to know that I don't believe that, I never believed that for a single moment.
You seem to forget that I know you too well...
I know what you're doing, trying to give me a way out. Thinking that it's gonna help me or better yet heal me. It's true, we only hurt each other, causing more pain than anything else. So I guess its safe to say we both could use this fire escape we're sprinting towards so desperately. I know you lie in your cell every night thinking what you can say to make everything better, but I think we have both realised that there is nothing that can be said to fix us, it's too late for us no matter how much we both still wish it could work. It's our harsh reality, we are at a crossroads differing in our views of who is more at fault. I know you want to take all the blame but it's my fault too. I got too close, if I stayed away none of this would have happened, but what we shared was just too compelling. I know we have made our decision you and I both know we're too stubborn to back down. Just know that I will always love you, deep in my heart I'll bury our memories where they will forever remain; I'll cherish them always. We were always wrong for each other me the typical good girl and you the bad boy from the wrong side of town. Polar opposites always disagreeing on what the other said. I will always love you and because of that I Will listen to your last command and let go.
I know this is the right thing to do, you taught me that not all love stories have a happy ending and they don't always need one; we are just protecting our hearts.
I forgive you, you'll forever be my bad boy.
Your Liv xx
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Part 6:
Present Day, Arizona State Prison
And I have made mistakes today,
Yes I have made mistakes today,
Yes I have made mistakes....
I leaned back against the cold wall of the cell, I hummed to the radio. Who would have thought a song would be perfect to describe my story so well.
So tonight I'll be your Brooklyn,
So cold and yet so far away...
"Wakey, Wakey, Taigo. Stop daydreaming about her."
