wannabe

These circle nights

I find myself having these nights

where all I want to do is drink away my

thoughts and memories and all of my consciousness

listening to sad songs by mayday parade.

It seems like an easy option; to drown

in what was once pure bliss and is now

nothing but torture and torment to the remnants of

a whole heart and a whole love.

These nights abandoned me months back and I

began to feel some freedom again - I had escaped myself

but now I'm back and I'm all caught up again.

I feel myself dragging my own existence back, I

just want to go back to the start instead of going

round and round and round and round and round in this circle.

I can't go out like my friends do - they're all so popular

with all their new friends going to parties every weekend

and going out, hanging out.

I'm at home, crying, scared to leave the house because I

know that if I leave then I'll walk into traffic or break down

or overthink something because everything reminds me.

Besides, there's too much leaving going on, why would I leave

the house if I have problems with everyone leaving? Because

everyone leaves and that's a sad fact. My favourite person left.

This time last year was so entirely different to now

and I can't seem to move on. What does that say

about me? Maybe I'm weak, stupid, I'm not so sure

anymore, but I know this can't possibly be normal.

I'm so done with this cycle circle and waking up, realising I'm

taking another breath and that being the worst feeling in the world

because what's the point in breathing now?

There isn't one.