I Am Damaged

The Ashes of Westerburg

'People are gonna look at the ashes of Westerburg and think "There's a school that self destructed, not because society didn't care, but because that school was society!"'.

I always hear that there were three 'tragic' Westerburg suicide and just want to scream that they're so so wrong.
The fourth was the only real suicide. Is that why they don't count it?
Why do I even listen to the radio, again? I'm sitting outside Westerburg in my car for the first time in a while. I don't want to go in, I know Heather's still waiting for me in there. After we graduated , the school closed. I guess they couldn't handle the media attention or something. But the buildings still standing, just not in use.

I still miss J.D. I miss him so so much.
Not just on lonely days. If I see a certain brand of cigarettes on a shelf somewhere, a particular brand of liquor, the feelings will all come back at once. Like I'm 16 all over again. I'm not bursting into tears like I did in those first months, anymore. I think now is worse. I don't fight the feeling, I'm just numb.
I pull out an ancient pack of the cigarettes that J.D and I used to smoke. This area is pretty much a ghost town now that the schools shut. There's only one person walking down the street. She looks around high school age, maybe she's lost? I'm not gonna give directions. Each place has too many memories. She's come near to my car, and as she reaches it the girl bends down and knocks on my window.
'Are you Veronica Sawyer?' 
Fuck.
I roll down my window, but I've never seen her in my life.
'Yeah, I am. Why?'
'My name's Alice Kelly,' She holds out a hand for me to shake, but I'm not touching her. I recognise that last name, but I can't place it. 'my brother was Kurt, I think you knew him?'

That's where you know it from.

'Um, yeah I guess.'

You didn't just know him. You shot him. His blood is on your hands.

'You saw him the night he...' How does she know? 'yeah. Did he say anything to you? I'm pretty sure he wasn't gay.'
Why is she questioning me?
'I'm sorry your brother killed himself with Ram in a repressed homosexual suicide pact. I don't know anything about it. Why are you asking now? It's been years.'

She knows. She's onto you. Times up, Sawyer. Your secret's out.