Crush III:
A few months have passed since you told me that you liked me. These past few months have been utter shit and I don’t know why.
I honestly can’t explain in words how I feel; the one word that comes to mind is ‘shit’.
I felt like shit.
Why? That’s what puzzles me about this whole ordeal.
I started seeing you more frequently, everywhere I turned you were just there, making me feel diminished than I already did. It was really starting to piss me off.
Why? That’s what I asked myself.
I’d be in a grotty mood all day, making my friends, even you, question what’s wrong.
Why? Because they didn’t have a fucking clue to what I was experiencing, let alone feeling. I didn’t want to talk because; I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to eat, because I constantly felt sick. I couldn’t sleep because my brain wouldn’t let me. I had so much going on in my head, I had so many fucking questions, nobody, not even you, had the answer to. I started to get these headaches, which only heightened things, everything. I felt like I was stuck in something so deep, that even if I tried I could never save myself.
I didn’t know what was happening to me, I didn’t know what I was experiencing. To be honest, I don’t know how I managed to pull through.
The thing is, is that I like to be in control. In control of what I do, what I feel, call me selfish but it’s true. But I wasn’t in control, in what I did, or how I felt. I felt useless, worthless, like there was no significance to me. I’d only ever feel inferior when I was around you. You’d either talk to me or smile and I’d just be frozen. It was like the person who I knew I was, wasn’t there. I felt like someone totally different.
Forget me stuttering on my words to tripping over myself. I felt numb, of no feeling, of any emotion known to humankind. It felt like time had stopped, as cliché as that sounds, it’s how I felt, like everything had just fucking stopped.
I didn’t even know why.
I just couldn’t explain it. I just couldn’t understand it. All I knew was that something wasn’t right with me. Something that I never intended to experience was happening without my permission and that fucking scared me.
It scared me that I was falling.
I was beginning to fall for you.
__
Song: “Thinking About You” by Frank Ocean.
Dedicated to northbynorth, because she’s utterly amazing, and her works are just flawless, if you haven’t already checked out her works, you should be ashamed of yourselves, climb out from under your rock and go check her works out! :)
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Crush
Non-Fiction“You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words that matter.” Nicholas Sparks. This is how I feel...
