Crush IV:
Definition of crush: crush pronounced (krŭsh)
I: to press between opposing bodies so as to break or injure.
II: to put down; subdue
III: a usually temporary infatuation.
The third definition is possible, what I am experiencing. It has taken me months, for me to accept it, to accept that I have a crush, on no other than you. I’ve tried avoiding it, tried to deny it, but honestly it didn’t get me anywhere, if anything it only made things worse for me, it worsened things, everything, for me that is.
Those months felt like a millennia. It was torturous; words cannot really describe it, because I think if it did, it would make my life that little bit easier.
But life is never easy, is it?
No, no, it isn’t. Because if life was easy, it wouldn’t be worth living, because those experiences you experience when life brings you down, shows you the great outcomes life also has to put up.
That’s what I kept telling myself, that all this excruciating pain, I’m suffering is what I have to go through, before life offers me greater, much happier experiences. I was ambivalent about how I felt about you; I was getting insecure about everything to the point where I barely know what to do anymore.
Whenever I would see you, not only would I feel small, smaller than I am, I would find my heart pulsating at a pace that left me startled.
Why is all of this happening to me?
Was this normal or abnormal?
Is there an off button for this?
All the newfound experiences for me were just flowing out, beyond my control, to the point where I forgot who I was. I forgot that I was a bubbly, overly confident, yet shy girl that didn’t care if I embarrassed myself to everyone and anyone, I didn’t have any care in the world. But with all these feelings gushing out like blood, from a fresh cut wound, I started to take into account everything I did. I became self-conscious, awkwardly shy, my verbal diarrhoea only got worse. I was cautious about everything I did, especially around you.
Although I didn’t show how I felt, blatantly, I made sure to hide how I felt well. But it felt like pins prickling my skin, anywhere in my body, it made me feel physically ill. Everything just spiralled down, out of control, out of my reach. I didn’t feel like I was in control of myself and my own feelings anymore. It felt like I was being dictated by someone else, someone that wanted something that they could never have.
And whatever that something was, was killing me, slowly and painfully. I accepted that I like you; I finally admitted it to myself.
But, that wasn’t the end, it was just the beginning.
__
Banner: thank you to acciaccatura!
Side song: “You and Me” - Disclosure I’ve grown to love these talented duo brothers!
External link: the link is a book interview I’ve done, so if you want, check that out!
YOU ARE READING
Crush
Non-Fiction“You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words that matter.” Nicholas Sparks. This is how I feel...
