The day after our first day I couldn't stop smiling. I paced around the room listening to corny love songs. Could he be the one. Not even a day has passed and i was already thinking he might be the one for me. My phone suddenly vibrates and brings me back to reality.
"Good Morning, sweetheart." He said in his message. How cute of him. I replied with the same salutation but another term of endearment. Cutie seemed like the right term at that moment. As soon as i sent my almost plagiarized reply i glanced over to the clock to see what time it was. 9 am. It felt like i overslept, but by surprise i was on my average wake-up-hour. I got out of bed and went directly into the kitchen. The house-helper hadn't arrived yet, my mom and my dad had already left for work, and my siblings were still sleeping. i had the whole place to myself. I placed my earphones on my earholes and played The Saturdays' What About Us. The first chorus kicked in but something felt wrong, the energy i woke up with had now reached its all time low. The song felt like a fish out of the water. I could feel my heartbeat starting to slow down, nothing to get drastically scared about, it was just my bipolar disorder getting it's turn to play. Just like a shark springs out when it tries to catch the poor unsuspecting Sea Lion it has been preying on my demons, fears, and insecurities jumped out at me, all at once. I leaned back on the counter, my head clouded by a war that i knew I wouldn't win. I looked around the kitchen, still no one was there. It's fairly early in the morning. 9:05 A.M. to be exact. The sunlight seemed deemer and i felt lonely, scared, worried, etc. what now? I stopped the song and sat in silence for a couple of minutes that seemed like an eternity. The silence stressed me, I can't be in silence at all. I need the perfect amount of quiet and sound, i need it to be balanced for me to not go insane. Silence terrifies me, the absence of sound was a synonym of being abandoned. But the loud places freaked me out, i am pretty outgoing but i tend to be a homogeneous mixture. Not that much into this or that, i'm just hanging in the exact middle. As the masochist i am i played some sad music, Ellie Goulding's Explosions was my go to. As I pressed on it in mu iTunes Library I prepared myself a berry tea. I Boiled the water and dropped the tea bag in. A reddish-purple color filled the water as i steered it. Gently, sweetly, with the care i so crave to be treated with. I wanted my alone time. I needed it. It's so weird how i crave to be loved and be with someone but still tend to feel like i can scream at the top of my lungs in a crowded room and still not be heard. I poured 3 tablespoons of sugar onto my tea and i'm set. I got up and got some ice for it to be nice and cool. I guess 4 cubes might do. I pour them slowly into my cup and steer it a little. I take a sip out of it. Just like my mood, it was unpleasant. Not hot, but not cold. Just hanging in the middle. The flavor of wild berries were the silver lining of the tea. I curled up in a couch in the living room, i was facing the garden. Hoping for movement, anything to bring my mind back to the ecstasy that i felt that morning before. My efforts were in vain. The house-keeper arrived at 9:36 A.M. And the moment she knocked on the door i was brought back from another trance. I texted him. I needed to feel his warmth, feel him close and have his words ease my free falling we talk for hours straight. Not a threat on sight. He complimented me and gushed over our first date, our first kiss, and how cute i looked. I was starting to feel better, i need to feel loved, and when everyone's sleeping it can be hard.
"Are you busy Tuesday night?" He asked through a text.
"Nope, why do you ask?"
"Me and my friends are having a BBQ at a friend's house at 8 p.m., would you like to come?"
My heart wanted to escape out of my chest.
"Yes, i'd love to. Should I bring anything?"
"Just your presence, babe. I'll pay for both of us."
I could feel him grinning through the screen. He has this way of making me feel like i am worthy to be spoiled. I guess i should bring at least a pack of cigarettes and maybe some booze too, i mean, it's Mexico's Indepence Day and i had the feeling it wouldn't hurt anyone.
The days past quickly, by the day of the BBQ i was perfectly set, calm, dolled up with a nice navy blue shirt and black skinny jeans. I had maybe 3 or 4 Heineken beers in a plastic H-E-B Bag. My dad took me to the BBQ. The ride was nice, and calm. I had a serene nice talk with my dad about school and we touched my personal life for a second or two. We were maybe a few miles away from his friend's house.
"I'm almost there" i texted him.
"Good." He replied with a Heart emoji.
I locked my phone and continued to talk with my dad.
"So, do you have anyone right now? A Girlfriend? Ummm... boyfriend?" The "B" word must have felt like a pill to him. My parents know i'm Gay. My mom seems to have assimilated it easier, my dad still struggled to have an open conversation about my sexual orientation. Although, he did try, he tried his best to understand and support the decisions my heart made, but it was never easy for him to do so.
"No, Dad. I don't have a boyfriend, i haven't been looking for anyone right now. I'm trying to focus more on my classes." It felt like a lie, but deep down i knew it wasn't. I haven't been really looking, i've met people here and there and gone out, but when it came to a serious relationship everybody seems to chicken out of it. Although I was seeing Him tonight he wasn't my boyfriend, we had only gone out once and we made put. We were not boyfriends and I was okay with it.
"You know i'll love you no matter what you choose, right?" He said with a kind of empowering tone. "Who you love is your choice and as long as He or She makes you happy i'll be okay with it. But, if you choose a He and that He hurts You, I'll make him regret it, same goes for your sister." He said with a smile. I laughed a little.
"Thanks, dad." I said with a smile.
