There's something wrong with Phoebe

12 - Father

I was barely sleeping now. It was even worse than when she’d gone missing. I told Alice I was coming up to bed, but I rarely went. She always left the door open, ready for me to come in. I peered around the door and saw that she was asleep, and then I crept out of the house and down the road in the darkness. The glowing light of the familiar streetlamps was my friend here. The only one I had left. The orange reflection on the pavement led me to where I needed to go. It was peacefully quiet, but I always find myself on edge, turning sharply to check nobody was following me. I walked past some houses, still full of chatter, perhaps having a party, and increased my pace to get past them as soon as possible.

I kept my hands firmly planted inside the pockets of my army green jacket and my head remained towards the ground. I was embarrassed of who I’d become. I swore Alice suspected something, but we barely talked. If we did, it was just small talk. I still felt a sense of care towards her, but love? I wasn’t so sure; though I could never leave her. She was my first love, and first loves are forever.

I turned a corner and I was going further into the centre of the town now. Just as I was about to get to the heart of it, I ducked down an alley, and at the end, turned left. You couldn’t see this turn if you just looked down the alley. It was a perfect location.

There was where Gerry laid his business. He smiled as he saw me, baring his stained teeth from an on-going addiction to tobacco. I fed this addiction. “The usual, Rob?” he said. I nodded, fishing in my pocket for my wallet and taking out two crisp new notes and handing them over. In return, I was given my small bag of pills.

“Thanks,” I said, already craving to pop one in.

“I heard they found your kid,” he said, as I turned away.

“That’s right,” I said, eager to rip open the bag.

“Thought maybe you’d try to ease yourself off the drugs, mate. You can’t use that old excuse anymore that you’re worried, or you miss her. You should be happy now.”

“And that’s why I need the pills!” I said, turning sharply, and grabbing Gerry by the collar. He shook; eyes alight as I held him. I let him go, shocked at myself, and he pulled his collar back up defensively.

“This isn’t right, Rob. I like to give people the pills ‘cause it gives them a little bit of fire in their life. Your kid is back, Rob. We’re done.” My mouth dropped open slightly.

“No, Gerry! You know I need them! I’ll pay double, triple…”

“I know you’ve got a few million stashed in the bank. Go spend that on your daughter. She deserves it,” he said, taking a lighter and his cigarette box from his jacket. He lit the cigarette, popping it in his mouth and exhaling in my face. “Make them last,” he said, gesturing with his head to my pills. “They’re the last you’re getting.” I hit the wall in frustration before nursing the fist I’d already hurt today from those photographers that had shown up. I knew that would be news tomorrow. Alice had been horrified when she found out. She looks at me differently now anyway.

I ran quickly out of the alleyway and down the road. My heart was pounding and I felt the hot blood run quicker through my veins. Sweat poured from my forehead down my face, and I could have sworn salty tears escaped my eyes. I stopped by my house and bent over, breathing deeply.

“Are you OK, Dad?” I jumped as I heard an unfamiliar voice, and looked to the front lawn where Phoebe was sitting on a picnic rug, legs crossed and looking concerned.

“What the hell are you doing out here, Phoebe?” I said, panting.

“Just…looking at the stars. I haven't seen them much, because I was...you know. They’re beautiful.” I looked up. The little flecks of night disturbing the dark sky were nothing special. “What about you?”

“I went for a jog,” I replied, mopping my brow.

“In your best jacket and jeans,” she said, concealing a laugh and raising one eyebrow. I blushed though she could not see the sudden rush of colour to my cheeks in this light.

“I just really wanted to go, and I didn’t want to wake your Mum.” Phoebe nodded; a movement I could only just make out.

“Why don’t you and Mum sleep in the same bed?” she asked, uncrossing her legs and pulling her knees up to her chin. I sighed.

“We’ve been through a tough few years. Our relationship has been a little rocky,” I said, getting shaky now as I patted the bulge in my pocket to check the pills were still there.

“I’m going inside now, Phoebe,” he said. “It’s cold out. You should come too.”

“Wait,” she said, as I began walking up the path. “Can I ask you something?”

“OK,” I replied, squeezing my hands into fists to prevent them from trembling.

“Kayla said…when I went missing, you just…stopped smiling. And laughing. You stopped your job and everything. Your focus was finding me. She said they all knew it was the only thing that would ever make you happy again. So…how come I haven’t seen you smile yet?” I paused.

“Phoebe, when somebody has been a certain way for so many years, it’s not like flicking a switch to get them back to the way they were.”

“But…I’m home now! And they say you seem as grumpy and antisocial as ever!” I didn’t remember Phoebe being this frank before. It was as if her character had strengthened over the past six years. Maybe it was because she had to stick up for herself. I didn’t know, but I didn’t like the change.

“I just…I guess I haven’t accepted you’re back yet. Give me a few weeks. The reason the others are smiling and laughing is because that’s what they’ve been like this whole time. Like you being missing made no difference!” I said. I was angry now, and I didn’t know if it was because of the words I was saying or my desperation to swallow the drugs in my pocket.

“I think they just wanted to try and stay normal. So, when I came back, things would still be the way they were. They were preparing for me to come home this whole time.” I shook my head.

“No. They moved on.”

“There’s moving on, and then there’s being private with your feelings. From what I’ve gathered, this family is very good at putting on a show with their faces and being torn up in their hearts.”

“I’m going inside, Phoebe. Goodnight,” I said, opening the door and leaving it slightly ajar in my rush to get to the bathroom. I stood over the sink and took out the pills, putting them on the side. I could barely open the packet as I shook. Eventually, I got one out and chucked it back, stretching out as it entered my bloodstream, and letting the corners of my mouth turn up. Then, I knocked back another, just to be safe. One wasn’t as good anymore. I splashed my sweaty face with cold water before wiping it off with the hand towel and then stumbled my way up the guestroom where I flicked on the television and collapsed against my pillow, breathing in quick gasps. Eventually, my eyes closed.